When I was a teenager I was pressured into an abortion by my dad. Having hidden my pregnancy for over 4 months my baby was fully formed by the time I underwent a 2nd trimester saline abortion, alone in a hospital room.
With no information about my baby’s development or what I was going to go through, I spent hours in labor before giving birth to a burnt dead baby boy lying in the bed next to me. To say it was a life altering experience is an understatement. My life was taken away with that of my son. I will always remember looking down at him, seeing his tiny fingers and toes, and wondering how in the world it was possible to do something like this.
I don’t know why, but I named my son Joshua. It just seemed fitting, that even though I participated in his death, I should name him. My relationship with Joshua, however, was anything but peaceful. Just the thought of him caused me to become overwhelmed with terror. Every reminder condemned me to hell, and I would have visions of him accusing me before God, pointing his finger at me as he pointed out who was responsible for his death. Having done post abortion work for years now, I know that is the experience of countless women and men. There is a terror that exists at the thought of forming a relationship with their unborn children.
I am not sure when this changed for me; although I know it was once I knew the love of God. It made sense that if my child was “living in the Lord” (The Gospel of Life; John Paul II), he would desire my salvation, and instead of condemning me would be praying for my conversion.
Little by little I forged a relationship with him through prayer. It took time to develop and overcome the guilt and shame, but I knew inside I needed to repair the relationship. I needed to allow myself to love my son and for him to love me in spite of my human feelings of being unforgivable. Most importantly, I knew that was God's desire.
In time, I learned to meet Joshua in the Blessed Sacrament where Jesus united us through His body and blood. Joshua soon became as alive as my sons here on earth.
Years later, God showed his their guidance in my work.
Having developed a post abortion ministry with The
I know Joshua is leading many into
Now, I never remember Joshua as that dead baby lying in the bed next to me, but as a soul living in the Lord who taught me what true love is.
A living soul totally united to Christ, interceding for me. An advocate before the throne. A gift of our faith. Through my worst sin, I have come to know God and He has shown me His unfathomable mercy. No one can take that away.