How can you put into words the feeling of complete and total abandonment. A pain that reaches your very core, the deepest recesses of your soul. I guess, you really can’t.
Once that part of you has been touched it is hard to forget it. There seems to always be a part of you attached to that pain, a cross that you carry even though most times you may not feel the weight. Every once in a while it rears its ugly head, projecting into the present what was so painful in the past. It can be hard to identify what is happening and you may even find yourself sabatoging relationships to spare yourself from being abandoned again.
Many post abortive people have abandonment issues. Often abandoned by boyfriends, husbands, orparents who supposedly loved them, but not enough to help them give life to their child. What a choice to have to make…the love of those who you believe care for you, or your child who you have not yet met….the fear of being alone, afraid etc. Coerced into abortion for fear of abandonment or abandoned to coerce to abort...it makes no difference, the results are the same.
I think back over the years and how many times this abortion “connector” of abandonment defined moments in my life before I understood what it was that was happening. It still pops up, and I am sure always will until the day I die, but even though it make take me while at times, I am always able to identify what is really happening and, by the grace of God, I talk myself into the present instead of reacting to the past.
Pro lifers can judge me for my abortion, and God knows a lot of them are out there doing that. Surely the sin I committed was great, but through my healing I have come to know Jesus Christ, who suffered abandonment freely for me to the core of His being. Who I meet every time I am connected with that pain in the present, to remind me I am not alone and we will walk through this together. Who touches me with His mercy, His love, His forgiveness, His clear picture of the entire abortion and His understanding, not to say it was right, abortion is never right, but to love me in spite of it.
I am a sinner in need of God’s mercy. All good I do comes from Him and I can do nothing without Him. I do not heal people, He does, I do not save women from abortion, He does, I do not close clinics, He does ,the only one who can do any of those things…
As we begin the new year, I pray for the humility to never forget that. To suffer willingly, even with my connector of abandonment for the salvation of souls, knowing His great love for them and that He suffers with me. To always stay under Mary’s Mantle, Our Mother of Mercy who holds me, never abandones me, and leads me always to her son. To be grateful , to trust and not fear our God of Mercy who was abandoned so that I could find my way to Him.