I recently went through a huge spiritual battle. In fact I did not even realize just how very huge it was until after our “Reclaiming Our Children”, Entering Canaan retreat this past weekend.
It was a battle for my very soul using all the depths of the hell at the root of my abortion over 40 years ago. So besides being tired, I am feeling very emotional today as I clearly see what has been confusing and blinding for many times through the past few years.
As usual, God uses the retreats I develop not only for everyone who attends, but it seems, especially for me. Through writing and doing this retreat, I “reclaimed” my son from the devil who sought to spiritually destroy and steal him from me once again through a very deep hurt I had suffered. Satan is no dummy, he tends to use things and people we love, and our common human weaknesses to seep to our very core in order to make us think faith in Christ is a joke and separate us from God.
The depths of my wounds from the experience of abortion were challenged once again, this time on a very deep spiritual level , (almost as if spiritually I had to experience what I had worldly with my abortion-the same feelings, emotions, struggles) using a place I thought was loving and safe to abandon me spiritually just like my family had physically.. a place I thought God was, where I had shared my wounds an d healing in a very intimate way….the core of my soul and healing.
In this Lenten season, we often think of Jesus in the desert and the temptations thrown at Him to abandon God. We meditate on His agony in the garden, but sometimes we are called to share these things in a profound way. These past few years I have spent a lot of time with Him in those places and at the cross. I struggled to live myself what I always tell the women and men in the ministry…faith is not our feelings…it is clinging to Him and trusting in His mercy in spite of what we feel. It is especially challenging when it is reaching to the core of who you are and tearing at your deepest wounds.
Satan was using all the ploys he could think of which would trigger those traumatic feelings and experiences, to tempt me to give up.
“Don’t trust in God. Abandon the work. This whole Catholic thing is a joke. Look at what happened. ” Yet, I do believe and through His grace alone I clung to Him knowing truth and that He has called me to this work, which had been so painful continue the past few years.
Today, I renew my consecration to Mary. It is 29 years since I first made it through True Devotion, which I try to live each day and which I renew each year for 33 days. What an amazing gift they have given me in the retreat this year…a confirmation of all I have been feeling in relation to the work and the full circle of healing through Christ. . Through this past weekend , God has given me the gift of peace and knowing this long battle I have been in is finally over. The retreat itself was the closing battle and His mercy and grace brought the victory.
Mary also showed me that this experience was necessary for me to go through, in order to truly proceed with what He is asking of me with Reclaiming Our Children. It had to happen so that it could grow into the work He desires it to be.
I am so grateful for all those God has given me in my journey. The women, men and siblings I have been so blessed to meet along the way who share the heart of the pain of abortion. Some people think we should not minister to each other but they are so wrong...it is crucial that we do and a great gift of love through our sharing of His mercy.
Incredible friends in Christ who sustain me with their prayers in this work of bringing souls to Him, the only true healer, and of course, the wonderful priests who I have been so blessed to work with, be directed by, and most importantly taught the faith and given the sacraments..
Yes, I am very emotional today, in a very good way, because God has poured His mercy on me once again, clearly showing me what He has been doing the past few years as I walked through the deep pain and darkness. He has led me out of that darkness once again, into His light showing me He has always been there and proving once again no matter what we are feeling or experiencing all we have to do cling to Him and trust in His mercy that set us free!
I am all Yours and all that I have belongs to You, oh most loving Jesus through Mary, Your most Holy Mother!