Ok, I'll admit it…this time it took me a while, a long while to pin point what the heck was going on for me. The unrest of abortion connectors, and realization that they will always be there in the back of my head.
Now, we all have connectors, abortion or not. Those things that bring up past feeling from a major event in our lives. Usually it is people, places or things reminding us subconsciously of the event.
I have been pretty good with them for many years now. I have been able to identify them and diffuse them quickly, knowing very well after over 40 years, what is a trigger of my abortion for me, but this experience had me stumped, that is until I was laying in bed last night and Jesus made it totally clear to me. A moment of life, like His healing of the Bartimeus.
I have had a situation for a while now, that has caused me pain and unrest, and while it is legitimate, I also was very aware of the fact that I was too sensitive and allowing it to disrupt my peace instead of just taking care of it. I have been praying and praying for God to give me the grace to see clearly, knowing it was hitting me at my core, and although my feeling were totally understandable, it just did not jive with the level of pain it brought me to.
Then in a moment I saw! The event was someone controlling and making decisions about something as if I had nothing to do with it, when in fact, I am a main player.
Suddenly it was so clear. My saline abortion at the age of 17 was decided by others as if I had nothing to do with it. There was complete disregard for my feelings, not even a question about what I thought and wanted. It was decided and done without any regard for who I was as a person, or how much I, a child myself, wanted my child.
So now, I know, and now I need to make decisions for myself in the present situation, not react to the past and what it is bringing up for me.
I am not going to lie. It is hard. When emotions rage it is difficult to make an objective decision, but I do have confidence in God, that like my other connectors, once it is identified it will now lose its power over me, and any decisions I make will be because of the present, not because of the trauma I suffered years ago.
I have come to recognize that there is healing, but as He draws us deeper into relationship with Him, He purges us more deeply to get to the core of our wounds.
As our faith and trust in Him continue to grow, He continually calls us to let go of everything but Him!
He who brings us to eternal life never abandons us, in spite of what we have done. He wants to bring us to the fullness of life. A total trust in Him and His mercy.
This is where our healing is…to face every fear and to continue to step out. To grow deeper in our faith knowing, in the end it is only about our relationship with Him, Mercy Himself.
Thank you Jesus, we trust in you!