When I was 18, I had an abortion. Exactly one year later, I had another abortion. I am ashamed to admit that the overriding reason for both of these abortions was that I was too embarrassed and ashamed to tell my parents that I was pregnant. Abortion seemed like an easy solution. I foolishly believed that abortion would not affect me at all. I even counseled friends to have abortions. “It’s no big deal,” I told them. At the time I truly was in the dark. The signs were there indicating exactly how affected I actually was, but I ignored them. For example, I cannot recall many details from those two days. Even though they were a year apart, they are merged together in my mind as one memory. I can remember going to the doctor’s office and going in the back. I remember lying on the table and talking to the anesthesiologist, and I remember waking up and being very cold and sitting on a chair and talking to the nurse. These memories are fuzzy. They are two days merged into one memory for me. Thankfully, I was completely under anesthesia for the procedures. I have heard many horror stories about abortion experiences. I am also lucky because so far I’ve escaped any permanent physical injury caused by abortion. I use the term “so far” because the threat of breast cancer hangs over my head. Breast cancer and abortion are definitely linked. Besides the immediate damage caused by abortion such as infection, abortion is often responsible for infertility in women who have had abortions. Even one abortion can render a woman infertile. Although many women, like me, go on to have children after having an abortion, many women cannot carry a child to term after procuring an abortion. This is truly heartbreaking.
Mentally and emotionally, though, I am damaged. Healing is possible, but not without ugly scars. I began motherhood by killing my children. This also affects my children that I haven’t aborted. With the help of the Lord, I have made this realization, and I have been able to change my perspective as a mother.
Once I
married and became pregnant, I started to get a clearer picture of what
abortion really is. I was pregnant with
a baby I planned this time. All of a
sudden I began to see the truth. Fear
caused me to turn my back in this realization.
I couldn’t fully embrace this truth because I wasn’t ready to accept the
fact that I butchered two precious babies.
So life went on. I had my
baby. We were thrilled. L ife
Upon hearing this news, I went numb. It’s hard to explain what happens as your mind goes into shock. You’re no longer 100% present. Part of the mind shut down. A genetic doctor was there explaining all that would happen in the life of our child, if in fact she lived. The prognosis was grim. Our hearts broke as we listened. Full comprehension of what was being said was not possible. Many surgeries would be necessary to correct muscular and skeletal problems. Our baby would be severely mentally and physically retarded. Her physical features would be distorted and deformed. This information was so distressing that my brain wasn’t even processing it. I had never been so afraid in my whole life. Then I heard the words I wish were never spoken. One of the doctors stated that we needed to discuss our options. I thought she was referring to what needed to be done at the time of delivery. But what she was actually speaking of was abortion, or “terminating the pregnancy”. My mind was reeling. I could go out of state and terminate the pregnancy. My first response was “no way”. I felt those words in my heart. But somewhere between that moment and that evening, I had decided to kill my beloved child. We flew out of state two days later.
After delivering my dead infant, we were given the opportunity to hold her. My husband couldn’t bring himself to hold her or even look at her. I held her little body in my arms and I cried. I still didn’t realize how wrong this all was. The clinic staff and the doctor complicate matters by making everything seem normal. What’s happening is the furthest from normal as you can possibly get. They take pictures of the baby and give you an urn for the ashes. The doctor talks about the grieving process, and uses terms like “miscarriage abortion” to somehow make you believe your child was meant to die. Everything is twisted. I now understand why. The devil cannot create life or stop creation from happening. What Satan can do is distort reality and lead people to believe that abortion is something good, a “right”.
Seeing all of this in the light simplifies things. At the moment of conception, a new life is created. It really is that simple. My two earlier abortions made it possible for to choose abortion a third and final time. For so long, I believed there to be a huge difference between the first two abortions and the last one. But there is no difference. All three babies were killed. All three babies are now with the Lord.
As a mother of children here on earth, it is hard to admit to killing three of your children. That’s why it takes so many people so long to deal with their grief and guilt. I struggle with those feelings all the time. The good news is I am not alone. I have my husband, who has been by my side from day one, and also grieves for three children. I have good friends, who refrain from judging me. And most importantly, I have the Lord. Jesus, in His infinite mercy and compassion, continues to lead me out of the darkness into the light. What I’ve done has wounded Him deeply, and yet, He loves me still. I lean on Him and He leads me from despair to hope. There is no greater freedom than placing your trust in the Lord.
- YD -
