WITNESS
I’ve been thinking lately, as I am finally healing from my 1981 abortion, what would I say to someone who was walking into an abortion clinic today? I often think that now, since I’m finally allowing myself to remember and feel and think about my abortion, what would have changed my mind.
As I recall sitting in the waiting room of the “health clinic for women” with the other 20 or 30 young women separated into a back room away from our boyfriends, husbands, parents, sisters or friends who drove us there (pushed us there?), I remember the fear that was inside of me, the panic, terror and despair. We were asked to complete a quick one page necessary questionnaire in a group being lead by a woman who read the questions as if she were reading a grocery list. “Were you coerced into this abortion? Say yes or no”; “Did you come here today of your own free will? Say yes or no”. We all looked around at each other and some looked down at their feet and others looked at the wall and we all sheepishly nodded our heads in the affirmative. “Good” said the woman and off she went. I guess it was necessary to get our “consent”. My consent wasn’t there, I had no clue what I was doing.
So now I think back to that time and wonder “what was wrong with you that you couldn’t and wouldn’t stand up and walk out of there!” I imagine now that if someone had walked in with a hand outstretched saying “come, let’s go, you don’t have to do this”, I know I would have left. How does the saying go, “hindsight is 20/20?” I didn’t have the strength or the fortitude to walk out on my own
I’ve been thinking a lot lately how I can now be that outstretched hand to girls in a waiting room. Do I have the strength to do it?
I thought maybe if I could write a one- or two-page letter to hand out to girls as they were walking into that clinic, praying that the letter would be a wake-up call to some, it could save a life and prevent years of desperation, depression and guilt. I don’t know.
“Dear Friend,
I was your age once and pregnant. It was 1981. I didn’t reach out to the right people and only confined my decision to a small group of teenage friends and my boyfriend, my baby’s father. My boyfriend didn’t want to be a dad, he said he wasn’t ready. He said that he’d be ready in a couple of years, maybe 5 or 10 years, but not now. I so wanted that baby deep down inside and felt the life in me. I would sometimes secretly allow myself to feel the joy that was within me without the fear. I would rub my belly and this amazing feeling of joy would rush over me, which then was followed by sheer terror. I secretly planned my own life with him, my baby—I knew he was a boy, I could just feel it. But then reality would come creeping back in and I felt I had no options as I wasn’t seeking the support from the right people.
I went to Planned Parenthood for my free pregnancy test and they gave me a sheet of paper with a list of doctor’s names and phone numbers on it and told me I was making “the best decision of my life”. The woman said that I was too young to understand how to be a mom, that it would interfere with college and my future. She said she had a daughter my age and wouldn’t wish her to be a mother at that young age and was sure my mother would feel the same way. Didn’t I have bigger aspirations than just being a teenage mom? I don’t know how my mother would have reacted as I never told her. This woman, this mother of a teenage daughter, was my voice of reason for the afternoon and made my decision for me.
I brought a paper bag full of cash to the clinic with my boyfriend and was told not to tell anyone where I had been. I remember laying on the table being prepped and the tears were streaming down my face into my ears. I remember the doctor commenting to the assistant “12 weeks” and I remember feeling shocked at that statement. I had counted the weeks from the point I knew I had gotten pregnant and it wasn’t more than 8 weeks! How could it be 12 weeks!? “It”. Him. My baby boy. The nurse had to put cotton balls in my ears and hold my hand as the vacuum machine made the most horrific sound and tore out my child from his womb. I recall saying over and over again, “no, no, no, no, no”. After the procedure was complete, the nurse helped me down off the table and ushered me into a sterile waiting room with 3 other girls sitting there eating cookies and drinking juice. I was alive, I had survived and was happy about that for the moment.
I stayed together with my boyfriend, even though a few months later I ended up hating him so much, as well as all of my friends, for what I went through. I was alone and no one understood my pain. Why was I hurting? Why was I so sad? Why was I so angry? Wasn’t this supposed to be the best thing for me?
I did go on to college and got a job and I eventually married my boyfriend many years later. I think I only married him because we had this “history” between us. I couldn’t imagine being with anyone else seriously after my abortion. We ended up divorced years later. Yes, I probably would have spent years trying to figure out how to pay for things for my baby, but I would have loved him so much that we would have made it work! I know we would have! After that day, I decided that I would never let myself be a mother; that I didn’t deserve it and that I obviously would be horrible at it.
I can’t turn back the clock 30 years to that day in 1981 when I was just 18 and pregnant. I can’t do that over – ever. That soul, that child, is gone from this world forever. It took me 30 years to get to this point in my life where I can even let myself think about that baby and that time. Imagine if I had found the strength and emotional support and someone with some sense to talk to me in 1981, how different my life would be now?
Yes, I am happy now, married to someone else very wonderful, and we don’t have any children as I’m too old at this point, so some people may say it all worked out for the best. But while I am very blessed to have this life, I know that I missed out on the most important thing I was supposed to be – a mom to that little baby in 1981. I see friends with their babies and they all say the same thing to me – “you have no idea how much love you feel until you hold them in your arms.”
I also know some people who have been adopted by some very loving people. It must have been very hard for their biological mother to give them up. She was doing the best thing she felt she could do for her baby. She gave her life and then gave her an opportunity she didn’t believe she could ever give her.
We put such pressure on ourselves to provide for our children to make sure they have lots of clothes and toys and a nice home. All they want is you, their mom, and your unending love, guidance and support and a warm place to sleep and your milk from your breast. The rest will come to you naturally and you can do it. “Trust in God with all your heart and not on your own understanding”. Believe in God, Trust in Him and He will show you the way. God has given you this most amazing gift of life because He knows you will be a great mom!
Please just give yourself a chance and give yourself some credit that you have it in you to be the best mom ever despite whatever obstacles you think are there. There will never be the perfect time for having a baby. NOW is YOUR perfect time! I know full grown women with careers and degrees who still panicked the weeks before they were to give birth because they wanted so much for their baby to have the best of everything. But when that baby arrived and they held it in their arms, all those fears, all those panic feelings fleeted away and all that remained was this immense feeling of love.
Please, get up, walk out that door and don’t look back. That’s the one thought that goes through my head every day 30 years later! … Why didn’t I just get up and walk out??? If someone were there with an outstretched hand, would I have taken it and left? Call any or all of the numbers below until you get someone to talk to.
-Jennifer”
