Ok, I admit it…this time it took me a while, a long while, to pin point what the heck was going on for me. The unrest of abortion connectors, and realization that they will always be there in the back of my head. The thing that changes is the way we handle them.
Now, we all have connectors, abortion or not. Those things that bring up past feeling from a major event in our lives. Usually it is people, places or things reminding us subconsciously of a trauma.
I have been pretty good with dealing them for many years now. It has been decades since my abortion and for the most part, I have been able to identify them and diffuse them quickly, but this experience had me stumped, that is until I was laying in bed last night and Jesus made it totally clear to me. A moment of life, like His healing of the Bartimeus.
I have had a situation for a while now, that has caused me deep pain and unrest, and while it is legitimate, I also was very aware of the fact that I was too sensitive and allowing it to disrupt my peace instead of just taking care of it.
I have been praying and praying for God to give me the grace to see clearly, knowing it was hitting me at my core, and although my feeling were totally understandable, it just did not jive with the level of pain it brought me.
Then in a moment last night, as He often does, I was able to see….the event was someone controlling and making decisions about something as if I had nothing to do with it. No consideration or respect for my feelings, when in fact, I am actually a main player.
Suddenly it was so clear. My saline abortion at the age of 17 was decided by others as if I had nothing to do with it. There was complete disregard for my feelings, not even a question about what I thought and wanted. It was decided and I was left forced to carry it out and accept it without any regard for who I was as a person, or how much I, a child myself, wanted my child. I was forced to let go, at least physically, of something I wanted so deeply. It was life altering.
So now, I know, and now I need to make decisions for myself in the present situation, not react to the past and what it is bringing up for me.
I am not going to lie. It is hard. When emotions rage it is difficult to make an objective decision, but I do have confidence in God, that like my other connectors, now that it is identitfied it will now loose its power over me, and any decisions I make will be because of the present,and what I think is best, not because of the trauma of aboriton I suffered years ago.
I have come to recognize that there is healing, but as God continually draws us deeper into relationship with Him in this life, He purges us more deeply in order to get to the core of our wounds.
As our faith and trust in Him continue to grow, He continually calls us to let go of everything but Him!
It is not easy, but knowing what He has done fo rus in healing, our abortions gives us the courage to step out in that faith because we know of His great mercy and love for us and no one and nothing can take that away.
He who brings us to eternal life never abandons us, in spite of what we have done. He wants to bring us to the fullness of life. A total trust in Him and His mercy.
This is where our healing is…in facing every fear and to continuing to step out. To grow deeper in our faith knowing, in the end it is only about our relationship with Him, Mercy Himself.
Thank you Jesus, for the gift of your mercy. We trust in You!
