Baby Face

Heartwrenching poem from a teenage girl who attended  a prayer service atLumina and who was pressured to abort her baby (2007).

Baby Face

My sweet baby boy, I dream of you every day.

I always wonder what things would have been like if it would have gone my way.

I can’t begin to apologize and tell you how I feel

Sometimes I don’t realize that everything was real

So many thoughts go through my mind and through my head

There was time I wish I was like you....dead.

It’s all my fault and I feel so bad because you’re not here with me

But at the same time, I could not think straight, I really could not see.

There was too much pressure and too many people telling me what to do

But no matter what, it’s no excuse, because now I don’t have you!

I think of you all the time and I feel I am the only one who can

No one else wants to accept what happened and your father won’t face it like a man.

Am I the only one who is brave enough to grieve?

But when I was in the clinic I was not brave enough to leave.

When I was there I felt like my feet were stuck to the floor

It wasn’t until later that I realized you weren’t there anymore

In my dreams I see you but you have no face

But when you are there, my heart changes its pace.

But I wonder, how would you have looked?

Would you have always wanted to play or have your head buried in a book?

Would you have had my eyes and your father’s nose?

What about my fingers and his toes?

Would you be tall like him, or short like me?

I always wonder how I thought you would be.

Even though you are gone I still see myself as a mother

A mother with a deceased child with no sister or brother

I’ve done bad and I have definitely done wrong

I was with you for only eleven weeks long.

But even if it was only that long, I know you did exist

Because what I felt when you were there, I could even list.

The nausea I had and all the pizza I ate

My love that grew for you at such a fast rate

I made a mistake impossible to take back

It was courage to walk away that I did lack

I can’t do anything now but continue to love what could have been

I’ve confessed many times for my unforgivable sin

Many of you can’t start to imagine the pain I have seen

Those who tell me horrible things are just evil and mean

But I don’t care what others have to say

I have been and still am strong because of what I experienced that day.

Even though I have been seeing your blank face

I know I will soon tell God thanks

Because on January 9,my due date

God will certainly wait

Because to me in my sleep He will run and race and

He will send me a vision of your baby face