The following is one woman’s life
story from despair to hope, originally published in the Lumina Newsletter for
Winter 2005. Dream a Little Dream is the story of one woman’s experience
with Lumina’s Day of Prayer & Healing and the power of His mercy.
I had a dream
that I was in a room or a church that was full of people singing a hymn. I
didn’t know the words, but the melody was familiar. Because of my comfort with
the music, I was able to learn the words easily and soon found I was singing
along with the rest of the congregation.
Then, the telephone rang and my dream was over. It was one of the Sisters calling to tell me
about our next group “Gathering” for post abortion healing. This connection
after my dream left me thinking about the last three years.
The Entering
Canaan ministry was the vehicle that changed my life from despair to
hope. This hope constantly amazes and
sustains me. It keeps me from going back
to that dark place that was home to me for such a long time.
After
the birth of each of my sons, I experienced post-partum depression. It was
especially bad after the birth of my second child. For almost three years,
post-partum depression crippled me, leaving me barely able to function as a wife
and mother. It was a very trying time in our family that put a serious strain
on my marriage, but, gradually, I came to see the light at the end of that dark
tunnel.
By
January of 1979, I found myself in a better place than I thought was
possible. My spirits were lifting and I
was beginning to feel like the old me again, then, I became pregnant. My
husband was sure that I would develop post-partum depression again, so he
threatened to leave me unless I terminated the pregnancy. There were serious misgivings on my part. I
truly believed that abortion was murder but he believed that it was just a
“clump of cells.” I never told him I
believed abortion was very wrong because the nagging fear of being left to
raise my children alone was stronger than my fear of having an abortion.
We
consulted with the obstetrician, who convinced us that abortion would be the
simplest solution. In my desperation, I believed him and aborted my child in
March of 1979. The obstetrician was
wrong. The depression I sought to avoid was
soon worse than ever before, and added to that was the guilt and shame over having
had an abortion. I soon became so overwhelmed,
depressed, and suicidal that the psychiatrist I went to suggested
hospitalization. I was admitted to a
psychiatric unit of a major New York hospital for three months. Therapy, antidepressants, shock treatment,
and anti-psychotic drugs followed. None
of it worked but somehow I functioned after being released from the
hospital.
In
December of that same year, around the time that my baby would have been born,
my husband died of a heart attack. It
was almost eight months since he had threatened to leave me unless I terminated
my pregnancy. Now he was gone, my unborn
baby was gone, and I was left alone to raise our two children who were three
and eight years old. I was certain God
was punishing me for what I had done.
For the
next 22 years, I raised my two young sons using some very unorthodox methods. I self-medicated with alcohol. I was angry
and I yelled a lot. Depression was
always rearing its ugly head, and I isolated myself from both family and
personal relationships. Alcohol became my
only friend.
Finally,
on the Friday after Thanksgiving, I asked God to help me stop drinking for one
day and at the end of that day, I thanked Him for the strength to have made it
through. Every day after that, I did the same thing and each day, His help was
unfailing. It still is. But there was
one complication of abstaining from alcohol, the self-medicating for my ongoing
depression was no longer an option. Two
years after I stopped drinking (the “terrible twos”), I again started obsessing
about the abortion and sought psychiatric help.
No one understood the depth of my feelings. My psychiatrist prescribed various
medications, partial hospitalizations (four times), and in-hospital treatment
when I became suicidal. Nothing
helped. I thought the bottom line was
that I was an aberration and a chronic depressive. I planned another suicide attempt. It seemed to be the only solution.
Getting
ready for the end, I started going through my personal belongings. The last piece of paper in the first box of
papers I went through was an old newspaper clipping from Catholic New York. The
heading read “Sisters of Life Aid in Post-Abortion Healing.” I couldn’t remember how I had received this
clipping but, there it was. There was a
telephone number too and I called and asked the Sister who answered if they
still had the post-abortion healing days described in the clipping. She said yes and that there was one planned
for September, just two weeks away. Did
I want to attend?
I was 60
years old when I entered Canaan. I attended
the Day of Hope and Healing, a one-day retreat dealing with post-abortion
syndrome. I knew I had arrived there by
means of a miracle, and when I was experiencing the day, I kept pinching myself
to see if I was awake. There were 13
women there, all of whom had abortions, and three Sisters of Life, loving us,
affirming us, ministering to us, feeding us -- spiritually and physically.
Learning
that I was not alone in my struggles was the immediate benefit. But, so many other graces have become evident
in my life since that first meeting. I
am learning that God has forgiven me and more importantly, to forgive myself
for the abortion. The learning process is slow but, just like my dream, the
melody is now familiar, giving me the comfort to learn and sing the words,
“Jesus I trust in You.”
Are you living in darkness and depression after
an abortion?
Unable to get past the pain
of your loss?
There is Hope. There
is Healing. There is a way out of the darkness.
Visit Lumina at www.postabortionhelp.org
Email us at [email protected]
Call us at 1-877-586-4621
Register now for Lumina’s next Day of Prayer &
Healing, Saturday, July 27, 2013.
