On the Feast Day of Saint Louis Marie de Montfort, I thought I would reprint a talk I gave about my relationship with Mary whom I consecrated myself to, through his treatise, True Devotion, almost 26 years ago.
Mary’s Presence in Our Crucifixion
‘When you carry the cross of your purification, the cross with everything that God permits so that you will be converted and may change- when the old man that exists in you is nailed to the cross-she is near, she helps you, even though you may not be seeing or feeling it. Mary acts in this way because she respects the mystery of Gods will. She knows that you also have to experience to a certain degree the same situation as that of Jesus; the bitterness of loneliness being abandoned by those close to you. When you carry the cross, she carries you in her arms together with your cross regardless of whether or not you perceive it. (In the Arms of Mary, pg. 177)
None of us want it, but we all face our own crucifixions in life.
In our humanness, we want things our way, and we want to hold on to times of peace. We want to fast freeze happiness which just goes to show how much we do not know about salvation. We want control, but what we do not recognize is that we would “control” ourselves straight into hell! For some crazy reason we are all always fighting against our wills which will not die until our earthly bodies do.
In fact, when things are good, in our pride, we even believe we have been blessed by God and are so special and proud of ourselves. When they are not, we complain about the pain of dying to ourselves, and if you are like me, go kicking and screaming the entire way! We fail to see that our crosses are blessings from God as well. We do not trust, unlike Mary, who was able to trust even at the cross because “she respected Gods will.”
God knows what is necessary for our salvation, and that includes our own crucifixions. It seems to me it is in the times of great suffering, a suffering that comes from a dying to my will, that I am closest to Christ. Strange, because it is often in those times I do not “feel” His presence, or the presence of Mary at all.
Sometimes, or even most times, it is difficult to see what God is doing in our lives and to understand how situations are allowed for our purification.
She knows that you also have to experience to a certain degree the same situation as that of Jesus; the bitterness of loneliness being abandoned by those close to you.
For me the thing that jumped out in this reading were “the bitterness of loneliness being abandoned by those close to you”. You would have thought it was written for many post abortive women, and for those of you who have heard my story, it certainly written for me.
The complete and total desolation I felt when I was abandoned by my family, and the attempt for years, to bring and cling to what I saw as security, even when it was not, accepting the unacceptable and clinging to all that was unhealthy just because I could not imagine being abandoned again. I could not even fathom reliving that pain and so I clung just so I would not feel alone. The funny thing is, that by clinging to the wrong things, I made happen my greatest fear of being abandoned over and over again.
When you carry the cross, she carries you in her arms together with your cross regardless of whether or not you perceive it.
I think that is key “Whether or not you perceive it." It does not have to be a conscious feeling, but a “knowing” she is there with you.
So, now I have a funny story…as many of you know, I am consecrated to Mary through St. Louis Marie DeMontefort's “True Devotion."
Each year as you prepare to renew your consecration, there is a 33 day period of prayer and reflection. In spite of the attempts you make to live the consecration daily, it never fails, that like any child, you find have wandered from the safety your mother who, like any mom always has a watchful eye and gently pulls you back.
Well, I had great plans for my renewal. I allotted extra time in prayer, convinced that I would pray well and be totally prepared, you would think I would know better!!!
Well, in the middle of it all, in fact, during the week dedicated to Mary, my son had an severe allergic reaction to a medication he was given after having a wisdom tooth pulled. For a week and a half, we found ourselves back and forth to many doctors and in and out of emergency rooms because he could not breathe, was covered in hives, and totally swollen. It was a scary, life threatening situation.
Needless to say, my best laid plans for prayer were thawarted. I still tried to say the allotted daily prayers, but most times they were rushed between events, interrupted by doctors coming in, or I was so exhausted I fell asleep if I waited until the night to say them.
At first it disturbed me. I wanted to do it “right," then suddenly it occurred to me that Mary was teaching me something. My consecration was not about saying the prayers “right” but about belonging completely to Jesus through her. It was about trusting, even when I forget Marys accompaniment in my life, even when I am busy charting out my own will, and do not even realize she is right there.
Mary was right there with me at the cross of my son. She was she carrying me in her arms together with my cross regardless of whether or not I perceived it. The knowing she was there, and trusting even when I did not feel her presence was greater then any verbal prayers I could have said. She was with me, and although I may not have felt her presence, I did trust and realized what a great gift she was giving me by this knowledge.
In the beginning, when I was healing from my abortion, I did not trust, or know God's love and desire for my salvation. All I felt was abandonment.
In the end, it is knowing that unfathomable pain, the very cross of the feeling of total abandonment that united me, kept me close and made me come to know Jesus.
She knows that you also have to experience to a certain degree the same situation as that of Jesus
He was, to a certain degree, a kindred spirt, someone who truly knew what my abandonment felt like by dying on the cross, but I was not able to grasp that until I knew His love for me.
Pope John Paul II said, "the meaning, origin and fulfilment of man is to be found in Christ, the God who humbles himself out of love 'even unto death, death on a cross' (Phil 2:8)." "The sorrowful mysteries," he said, "help the believer to relive the death of Jesus, to stand at the foot of the Cross beside Mary, to enter with her into the depths of God's love for man and to experience all its life-giving power." Saint John Paul II
I did not know I needed to embrace the total emptiness of the abandonment , to “abandon” myself and my will in order for God to fill me with His love.
I am still learning and I am certain I will mess up over and over again, but I do know Mary is always with me, swishing me back under her mantle, and carrying me in her arms together with my crosses whether I perceive it or not.
"I am all Yours and all that I have belongs to You, oh Most Loving Jesus, through Mary Your most Holy Mother!"
