I can’t pinpoint the day and time, just like I can’t remember the exact dates of my abortions, I just remember a time of year.
I had been reading about forgiveness and healing through Christ Jesus and I felt released from fear. I felt like I was not alone. I felt like I did not have to go on reading, but I did. I read many testimonials and the search was over. The unknown became clear, this was my calling, this horrific sin, the greatest sin of all was my testimony and would become my ministry.
Now I understood why I was the type of person that I had become. While I had been able to move on and only by the grace of God, I mostly denied myself of opportunities or isolated myself from forming relationships. I only felt safe with my immediate family.
In reading I learned about post abortion syndrome, this is a form of post-traumatic stress disorder. The process of making an abortion choice, experiencing the procedure, and living with the grief, pain and regret is certainly, at its very core, traumatic. As with any trauma, individuals often try to forget the ordeal and deny or ignore any pain that may result. Many simply don’t relate their distress to the abortion experience. At some point, however, memories resurface and the truth of this loss can no longer be denied. During these moments, the pain of post-abortion syndrome reveals itself in the hearts of millions of lives.
I was amazed to learn just how traumatized I had been. I was shocked that I had never heard of post-abortion trauma and treatment. Out of the 20 symptoms mentioned, I could identify with at least 10. I had buried my past and myself with it. Without working things out, without making amends, without grieving, I had stopped growing emotionally, socially, and most of all spiritually. In spite of this, through God’s Mercy I had experienced God's love, forgiveness, and healing, but the healing was not completed yet.
Then I received an invitation to bring a word to the women’s fellowship group at our church. I never participated much in church activities, but I said yes not knowing why. You see I was just the assistant pastor’s wife, mother to my children, the anti-social one. I contemplated about what I would bring and then the Lord put it in my heart to bring them all of me. I spoke to my husband, my kids, and I prayed. Still I had a problem I had not yet shared this with my biological family or my pastor, but it was God’s time and in an intimate group of about 20 participants I briefly spoke for the very first time, publicly, about my abortions.
I was received with much love and support. I later shared with my pastor and in sharing with him; I realized that I had not been able to share with him because when we first came to my home church and had the opportunity to speak with him,I declined because my children were not of age and I was not ready to share with them or with anyone else, for that matter.
Healing is a process and it is different for everyone. There is no one particular way to go about seeking help. The key is to get help as soon as possible, even if you do not feel you need it, explore the possibility of speaking with someone to sort your feelings. There are many free post abortion trauma programs. There are endless online resources. In my experience the most effective programs, bible studies, and resources, are those that are Christian based, led or written by post-abortive women or those who have extensive training and are dedicated to post-abortion trauma healing.
Pray for guidance and be led by the Lord. I myself began to research professional help available. I found a couple of places I wanted to contact, but making that first phone call was the hardest part. I began to dial and hesitated, thinking what would they think of me? What if they knew me some how? What if? What if? What if? Then anxiety set in and again I got cold feet and hung up. I finally changed my strategy, thinking ahead I wrote down some questions that I wanted to know about and also rehearsed the conversation I thought my take place. I was nervous but when I finally got through, the voice on the other side was soft, friendly, and I immediately felt at ease.
I found a program that offered a one day retreats and it proved to be another step towards healing. This is the email I sent them a week later after having time to think, pray, and absorb it all:
Lumina,
You are a true ray of light, so much to take in, and so much to think about, their stories were my story. Thank you, Jesus for allowing all of us to find help and fellowship. I was especially happy for the newly post-abortive women who realized something was not right and had the courage to seek help early on, for it has taken me about twenty five years of not knowing what exactly was wrong with me. I didn’t know there was such a thing as post-abortion trauma or that I could get help. Today I have come to a greater understanding of myself, my poor choices and poor decisions. I am learning how to deal with the abortion aftermath that I never addressed.
Healing is not an easy process but it is truly a gift from God. Thank you, Theresa and all of the people involved in the support system available on the “Entering Canaan” Day of Prayer and Healing last Saturday. May God continue to bless your commitment to serving Him.
I have pretty much come to terms not only with my abortions but with other parts of my past that may have played a part in my life struggles. I had repented and God had forgiven me. He had seen me through it all. But unresolved issues can keep you bound. God needed me to continue seeking and working out any unresolved issues in order for complete healing and triumph in Him could be achieved. I was healed. I knew I was healed but no one knows what goes on in the mind and heart of a woman that has had one or more than one abortions. I knew my aborted children were in heaven but had great difficulty memorializing them. To me, they had never really existed. I had denied them life. I had disowned them. I had demoralized them. Their short existence was an ugly secret, a tragedy never to be spoken of.
My journey began because there were feelings of loneliness and emptiness that I knew did not belong in me. So say this simple prayer and let your journey begin today.
“Lord, I ask you forgiveness for my sins and I accept you into my heart as my Lord and Savior. I ask you to set me free and fill me with your peace, in Jesus Name, Amen”
Remember you are not alone. Where do you go from here? You may want to set some short term and long term goals. Then, take it one step at a time, always asking God to guide you. If you are not of any particular faith, I pray you have an encounter with the Lord in your journey. Believe in your heart that you are worth enough to be healed, and may your healing bring comfort to you and others.
It is your turn to go From Trauma to Triumph. ~Noemi
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