“I have only my sins and You love me Lord.” (“In The Arms of Mary” - S.C. Beila)
I am a sinner. There is no questioning that. Always before my eyes is the picture of my unborn son lying dead on the bed next to me as a result of a saline abortion I was coerced into by my father when I was a teenager. Horrific? You bet.
One thought of Joshua, so etched in my mind, and I am reminded that I deserve only hell, that I am indeed the worst sinner some find pleasure in calling me. I am also keenly aware that there is nothing I can ever do to make up for my abortion. No amount of prayer or good works, nothing.
The sin of my abortion is the easy one to see, but I am learning that I commit many other sins that I may not be as aware of. Sins such as holding on to resentment and bitterness because of a hurt, refusing to let go, justifying it over and over in my head. Or the lack of patience and compassion I may have for someone in need, as I remain self centered, not giving their life the dignity it deserves. I could go on and on and still barely scratch the surface.
The image of my son, although some may find this hard to understand, was a great gift to me. It did not allow me to live in rationalization or justification. As they say,”my sin is always before me,” but so is my gratitude. Not of course, that I participated in abortion which is always wrong, but that I cannot fool myself into thinking I am holy or deserving, I know full well what a sinner I am, but also that although I cannot make up for my sin, I do not have to because Jesus Christ already has.
All of this has caused me to know something else, the depths of God’s love and mercy. I recognize the gift of Himself to me, in the deepest recesses of my heart, beyond human understanding and human failings. That place of intimacy that no person or thing can take from me because I am fully aware of what He has done for me in healing. So, when someone calls me names, they do not have the power to hurt me because it is true, (although only God can judge and it certainly is not a way to bring people back to Him). I am grateful for this knowledge, because from that truth I also know the boundless love and mercy of God. I know I am nothing but a sinner without His grace, capable of any sin and I know I need Him to do any good.
And so, it is in the depths of that wound, that evil, horrific place, where I met His mercy that causes me to sing His praises for the love He has shown me and to let others know that love and mercy are waiting for them so that they too may sing His praise and thank Him for knowing they are sinners.
Despair Prayer
Lord, I am in this world to show Your mercy to others.
Other people will glorify You
by making visible the power of Your grace
by their fidelity and constancy to You.
For my part I will glorify You
by making known how good You are to sinners,
that Your mercy is boundless
and that no sinner no matter how great his offences
should have reason to despair of pardon.
If I have grievously offended You, My Redeemer,
let me not offend You even more
by thinking that You are not kind enough to pardon Me.St. Claude de la Colombiere
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