No doubt about it, we all have our hot button issues, whether we have had an abortion or not. Very often, however, after the trauma of an abortion experience, there are certain things that are triggered in us related to our abortion that can be very painful. In a pamphlet I wrote for Lumina, I call them "Abortion Connectors."
- Abandonment
- People who are unreasonable, negative, and controlling.
Now, I realise if someone abandons a person they care about or exhibits such a controlling behavior it is their problem, but as much as I hate to admit it, after over 40 years, at times it becomes my problem because I allow them to get to me and take my peace. It is particularly hard when these things happen with people of faith people who profess to respect the dignity of others.
It is not hard to see why these would be triggers for me. My dad both abandoned me and was controlling in a negative way. He kicked me out of the house as a teen and pushed me into a corner so that I felt I had no choice but to have the abortion he was pressuring me to go through. I was under his total control and experienced coercion and abandonment by someone who was supposed to love me.
I have gotten much better with these things over the years. In fact, most times I am able to detect the feelings coming on, put them in their proper place and move on. I try to keep my eyes on Christ who I know never abandones me, or controls me, but allows me my free will and guides me by His word. He provides His grace in the sacraments. He is my rock. But still, there are times when I jump on that unhealthy bandwagon and someone really gets to me.
I believe it is the devil's way to try to distract me from the work. Thanks be to God, I have some great supports and instead of isolating like I would have years ago, I reach out for spiritual direction and ask friends to pray. A wonderful holy priest recently told me, "It is this very suffering that I am sure brings so many souls to healing."
In the midst of the storm it is sometimes hard to see that, and so I am so grateful for those who help me to cling to that which in my heart I know is true, even when I am bouncing all over the place.
The beginning and end of all things is my trust in Jesus Christ and my relationship with Him. I know I am called to pray for these people, who at times do not even know what damage they cause, and I know I too may be doing the same thing to someone else without knowing it. Sadly, we are all human with many weaknesses. It is particularly sad when you try to tell someone and they just do not care, and so prayers are the only answer as you cling to Christ.
I have come a long way, but sometimes it is still very hard when someone presses those buttons over and over again. My solace is to always remember the cross, the sacrifice made there for our sins and the mercy shown to others in spite of the pain Jesus was feeling. It reminds me to cling to the night many years ago when He touched my soul on that cross and brought me an intimate healing that no one can take from me, which I am eternally grateful for.
So, although those red hot buttons can make me go nuts for a while, in the end my focus is on the One who sets me free, even if there is still some work to be done. In my falls from grace in the midst of the turmoil, I am blessed to know of and be able to go to the Sacrament of Reconciliation.To begin anew and pray for the grace to stay steadfast in the midst of another's weakness, as I pray others would be able to do if I was the cause of their pain.
Jesus, I trust in You!