I am sorry. How many times have I said that to myself, in prayer, in confession, the pang of regret that hits you? I learned to shove it aside. To try to bury it, but it doesn’t stay buried.
Birthdays, holidays, anniversaries, all special events, would stir the memory of a horrible decision I made when I was 19 years old. Old enough to know, but, still so young.
Then, denial. Maybe it didn’t happen, maybe she wasn’t pregnant, or it wasn’t wrong. It’s not illegal. Everybody is doing it! Then, the pang of regret hits again, maybe with a dream or seeing a child laugh or cry. It gets stirred up again.
I thought I was alone. I would never think of talking about those dark feelings that lived inside me.
Then, I took that step of healing. I attended the Men’s Healing Day and my life has not been the same. I am still a work in progress, but I know now that God has forgiven me and I am learning to deal with the reality of what I did.
I still get pangs of regret, they will never go away, but now I have God’s mercy on my side. I will never again go to that dark place in my past and in my mind.
I can see now that yes, I did make a terrible mistake, but Jesus is holding and protecting my beautiful daughter and one day I will be able to hold her also.
God is a loving and forgiving God. We have to love and forgive ourselves,
I am trying to do that, and with help from Lumina, I will continue to keep on trying.
Bob Filitore
