“So, do not worry if everything is falling to pieces before you. After all, only your illusions that separate you from the One and Only Love who desires to fix everything, are crumbling to pieces.” (The Two Pillars, S.C. Beila)
Life is full of illusions. We can look at people in situations that are, in reality, very different from what they seem. The wife whose husband is cheating and she does not know, has the”illusion” of a happy marriage. The person driving a BMW who is in major debt carries the “illusion” of being rich. The woman working for Planned Parenthood who is post abortive and in denial, portrays the “illusion” of having her abortion is fine with her. The post abortive woman who goes through life seeming fine while dying on the inside portrays the “illusion” of a good life. We look for our value from outside things instead of God. They are the illusions that keep us from Him.
Wealth, success, beauty. So many people grasp at these things in the hopes of somehow feeling fulfilled, but our true value lies in being children of God, often in worldly terms, unknown, unappreciated, even hidden in good works. Jesus’ words to St. Catherine of Sienna reflect the truth, “Do you know, daughter, who you are and who I am? If you know these two things you have beatitude in your grasp. You are she who is not, and I AM HE WHO IS. Let your soul but become penetrated with this truth, and the enemy can never lead you astray; you will never be caught in any snare of his, nor ever transgress any commandment of mine; you will have set your feet on the royal road which leads to the fullness of grace, and truth, and light.”
"It is in the fullness of grace, truth and light that we live in the peace, happiness and joy of Christ who loves us as we are. We do not have to be here or there for Him to love us, He loves right now! So, do not worry if everything is falling to pieces before you.” Much easier said than done. My natural impulse when all seems to be falling apart is to panic, to feel as though my security is threatened. I then work hard to create another illusion so that I think I am secure.
Failure to create illusions is actually a great grace although in our humanness, it is scary. We need to keep fixed on Christ and how He teaches us to live life. My nature hates it. It is often very painful, but I realize that it is in these precise times, when I am most in need, that I actually live in the truth and draw closer to Christ.
I cannot remember a time when I felt more like “everything was falling to pieces” than after my abortion. I was desperate and shattered. I felt like life would never be good again. There were many times when I felt like I was not making any progress in my healing. Each time an old issue showed up I felt as though I was moving backwards instead of forward.
In temptations to despair, I doubted God’s mercy. I let my emotions take over, often through the fear of abandonment which I experienced when disowned by my family. The walk through that pain, to find God’s presence, to come to know His love for me, seemed impossible. I always felt I was moving backwards when I would feel that terror within me. It was only through desperation that I continued. I forced myself to continue to trust in God and His love for me in spite of my feelings.
We all have our demons from abortion or from any life altering situation. The difference from what we believe or “feel” and what is, are often very different. I can be in darkness and “feel” God has abandoned me and all is lost, but in truth He is carrying me.
In an article by AnnaMarie Adkins in Zenit News, about Mother Teresa, “Mary’s Light in Mother Teresa’s Dark Night," she quotes Father Langford, co-founder with Mother, of her community of priests. “Mother Teresa did not suffer a crisis of faith, but a ‘loss of feeling’ of faith. She was allowed to feel as though God was absent, though never did her lack of feeling become lack of faith. Our Lady would help her to not only believe in the night, but to love in the night.”
There is no “getting there” in this life. If we think we are there, that is the biggest illusion. Truth would tell us we are not even close to being there. Life is a constant process of me clinging to my illusions, and, with God’s grace, letting them go; of pulling ourselves back constantly to live in His Presence, the only truth. It is something I will do daily until the day I die.
Jesus said if you lose your life, you’ll find it. Not easy, but by keeping our gaze on Him and trusting Him we will live in the truth that sets us free. Free from our illusions, and free from the pain of abortion. We cannot do it alone, it is only His grace that permits it to happen. Let us ask Our Lady to help us as she did Mother Teresa, not only to believe in the night, but to love in the night. -TB
