It can be crazy how we are assailed by abortion connectors. I remember in particular when I was going to have gall bladder surgery some years back. Although no one particularly wants to have surgery, I was doing fine with the idea until the day before the procedure when I felt like an alien had taken over my thinking and emotions. I guess it all began when both my sisters who live near me got ill, one with pancreatitis, the other the flu. This of course made it impossible for either of them to take me for my surgery. In addition, both of my sons were away at the time, one up at school and the other working over an hour away. Although both were coming home to help me for the weekend it still did not help my hospital dilemma. So, here I was, no way to get to the hospital. Suddenly, I felt myself going into panic mode, overwhelmed by feelings of abandonment, loneliness, fear, anxiety and yes, even grief. Where were these emotions coming from?
What was really up? I am blessed with countless friends who would bring me to the hospital in a heartbeat if only I would say the word. Still, I was drowning in these feelings. I had been here enough over the years to realize it was time to stay still, pray and examine what was going on for me.
It did not take long for me to figure it out. Decades after my own abortion, I was experiencing what has now come to be known as abortion connectors. True, for me after all these years they are less and very far between, but they still creep in from time to time. It did not take me long to realize that they had once again reared their ugly head. I thank God I now have the tools that enable me to pray and see, and move past them. What are they? They can be people, places, situations, clothes, feelings and a host of other things that bring your abortion to your subconscious mind. Recognition of personal connectors often diffuses their power as you legitimize the feelings but learn to put the past in the past dealing with the reality of the present.
So what was up for me? Number one, the ride to the hospital for the surgery. I still do not know how I got to the hospital the day of my abortion. I do remember overwhelming loneliness and feelings of abandonment with no family or friends at my side. The present: the knowledge of my sisters not being able to take me for the surgery brought up all those feeling I had years ago of abandonment, but I was not abandoned this time. In fact, I had countless people there for me physically, spiritually and emotionally.
Secondly, the gall bladder surgery was done in the same hospital where my 3rd trimester abortion had taken place. Hence memories of the death of my child who I had actually seen thrown into a jar marked 3A, although I had had no previous warning of what I was about to experience. Recognizing this impact on me diffused that, as well as I knowing my son Joshua is now “living with the Lord” and spiritually a part of my daily life.
Most importantly, I know now I am never alone no matter what I am “feeling”. God is with me always as I give each day to Him. I may not always be aware of His presence. I may complain and at times still act as if I know better than He does. I may take my eyes off of Him and like Peter walking on the water begin to sink. The devil may still try to get me to doubt God’s mercy, and that self loathing may even manifest itself for a second now and again, however, I am now equipped with the tools I need to work through these episodes. Most often I realize somehow, somewhere, I have begun to look somewhere else instead of at Him, and I then turn my gaze back in an act of the will to trust in Him.. Through His grace I have been healed. Under the mantle of Our Lady, I have found refuge and love, and the courage to face the demons of abortion. Yes, sometimes the devil rears his head and tries to get me off guard, but with Jesus by my side each day I know he does not stand a chance. The battle has already been won.
