"What if I told you that I will never forgive myself for the decision I made but I don’t regret it? It is a strange feeling to feel to hate what you did but not want to change it if you had the chance."
I ran across this post this morning
Hypothetically: What if I Told You I Had an Abortion
What if I told you that I had an abortion? What if I told you that before I was quite old enough to have a beer at a bar, I found myself in a situation? What if I told you that the decision didn’t come easily? That when that positive sign popped up, my heart physically jumped out of my chest. That a part of that feeling was a type of excitement that is both panic and possibility.
What if I told you that some of the people in my life told me that if I didn’t get an abortion, I would regret it forever? That it would ruin everything for me; all of my potential would be gone. What if I told you that I felt as if the decision was no longer mine to be had? What if I told you that it felt like I was being shuffled from one person’s expert opinion to another? That I lost my voice during that time.
What if I told you that it was the most painful experience of my life? That the doctors, a word I use loosely, did not put me to sleep or use any sort of pain management. What if I told you that I felt like I deserved it? What if I told you that I prayed for a long time to God, begging for forgiveness while promising to never put myself in that situation to have to make that type of decision again, even though I knew anything could happen?
What if I told you that afterwards, I left the office and went to class as if nothing had happened? That I tucked that dark cloud away. Buried it so deep that it is as if it doesn’t exist.
What if I told you that, years later, when I became pregnant with my son I worried every single day of my pregnancy? That I waited for the other shoe to drop, riddled with anxiety. That, each month, I waited for God’s punishment to come. That I waited for Him to take away the gift that I was finally ready for. What if I told you that everyday, I still wait, worried that the best part of my life will be taken away from me because of what I did?
What if I told you that I will never forgive myself for the decision I made but I don’t regret it? It is a strange feeling to feel to hate what you did but not want to change it if you had the chance.
2009, I was just 2 years out of high school and sleeping couch to couch. I worked part time in retail and my relationship was new, barely formed. I was naive, impressionable, and had almost no ability to make my own decisions or stand up for myself. I look back on that time and cringe at the thought of what kind of mother I would have been or what kind of future that child would have had.
What if I told you that it has taken me years to own my story and forgive myself even if only in spurts? I have worried, for far too long, what people would think of me if they knew what I’d done. Would they look at me differently, think I didn’t deserve my healthy, beautiful child that I have now, think I was a monster? I don’t know and I can’t worry about that.
If you have been where I have, own your story. Forgive yourself. And learn from your experiences.
She had me through it all. Her feelings so in line with what countless numbers of us feel after an abortion experience, pain, regret, shame, fear of punishment. It is all there.
Here is where she lost me.
"What if I told you that I will never forgive myself for the decision I made but I don’t regret it? It is a strange feeling to feel to hate what you did but not want to change it if you had the chance."
How can you forgive yourself if you are not sorry for what you did? What would there be to forgive? How can you own what you did if you continue to rationalize and justify it?
Don't get me wrong, I am not judging her, I totally get it. I know what it feels like to loose your voice, as countless other women have. I think that what she is saying is also what many women are buying into in the sense of "No Regret" and destigmatizng abortion. This is the message women are being given out there and they buy into it in an attempt to be at peace. They think they have found a way, but sadly, the peace escapes them.
I have been praying about the difference in moving past shame etc, from the pro abortion movement and those of us who have found peace through healing. Both sides attempt to have women come to peace, but there are very real differences which I will get into in an article I am writing.
In the end, I pray for peace for this woman, true forgiveness for herself and a knowledge of the mercy of God.
