A very beautiful and humble testimony of someone from our men's ministry....
Today is Epiphany, or “dia de los Reyes”, as it is called in Spain where I
live now. Here it is the biggest feast when it comes to giving gifts to
children. I moved here with my wife very recently, after having lived in
New York for 18 years.I write this piece with the purpose of sharing good
news. I write wanting to share the gift of healing, and I hope to put it at
the feet of Our Lady and her Child, and you who are all her children.
In New York one thing I did was walk a lot. I did it partly to clear my
mind, a way to work through thoughts and feelings, many of them of fear and
anxiety. Having been always a physically active person, walking suited me
very well, it also got me to places, subway stations, soccer fields, and
after many years of walking brought to church.
After 18 years my brokenness had caught up with me. Somehow, after being
driven by the force of youth that relentlessly looks to find the next fix
in a climactic romance or a new grand idea, I found myself more and more
confused. At 30, I was a man living with fear, shame, and an acute
ignorance of who God was. Looking back, the incessant walking, whether
through fleeting relationships, new spiritual practices, or other dark
allies, seemed to had been in great part a reaction to not knowing what to
do with the wounds I carried. Like any untreated wounds, the ones from the
soul can produce great harm. I suffered from envy towards friends, watched
porn compulsively, took active part in an abortion; more importantly, I
started to lose my innocence and give way to evil and death, to sin.
In these years, my soul cried many times. It cried to itself, as if into a
wall, and at others times it cried to something bigger, yet formless,
looking for help and relief. I read once St Augustine say that we don’t
really know what’s in us; as if I couldn’t hear my cries, or what really
was in them. Some friends tried hearing, but it wasn’t enough, for the
wounds ran too deeply. Misery, like that of so many, led to despair, yet my
cry was heard.As many of the psalms in our Tradition say, He listens when
our souls cry from the pit of the underworld; and so many of us, whether
post abortive or not, have been in that pit.
I remember around the earlier time of my conversion, one day walking in
Queens, I dropped by the Church I had passed countless times and sat for
mass. I hadn’t attended mass for longer than my memory remembered. My last
communion might have been as a child. I didn’t really know what the
protocol, the sayings and the Eucharist meant. I was baptized but wasn’t
raised in the Church. That day, listening to the words of a reading of the
prophet Elijah explaining where God was, I was struck by the clarity and
non-speculative nature the answer: God is not in a strong wind, nor an
earthquake, nor a fire, but in a gentle breeze. What a balm it was for my
heart. Sadly, its soothing effects didn’t last long, the words did however.
It took some more walking, until I found a priest, a spiritual director,
who guided me, patiently, through some of the winding roads of conversion.
I was advised to attend spiritual retreats, which i did through the
ministries of Rachels Vineyard and “Entering Canaan” men’s retreat through Lumina.
The effect these days of prayer and remembrance had on me was, and still continues
to be, very powerful.
Through these encounters, centered around prayer, I received a clearer
understanding of the power of forgiveness and the importance of healing
both for me but also, and in a deeper way, for God's sake, his greater
glory. I will always remember one of the words from a friar and priest that
works closely with Entering Canaan through Lumina, when asked what did he think
was the most important role for those of us who have been hurt by abortion. To be
witnesses, was his answer. I think in there, in that experience of
witnessing Jesus in our lives, homes, streets, families, that where our
role become so significant, so full of meaning, and grace. Healing, it
looks, its not only a privilege but what we as men and women of God are
asked to do, to be open to. In this conversion process I also made some
friends in very high places, namely Blessed Fr Solanus Casey, and other of
God’s Saints. I began seeing my life with a new lense, a lense where the
values the world had taught me were reversed, where the meek inherit the
earth, where the poor are rich, where forgiveness is a daily reality, where
God is present with us.
After years of receiving the Sacraments, many of wounds have healed, others
are healing. For the narrow mind that doesn’t recognize in the day to day
that gentle breeze Elijah spoke about, it is hard to believe the goodness
of God. I have such a mind, yet, God’s grace perfects it, at its pace and
according to its plan. For me, it would be impossible to be here, restored
to health, where it not for the faith and hope the Crucified and Risen
Jesus Christ provides. Attending mass, I fell in love, time after time,
when the words “Death”, “Resurrection, “Mystery” were proclaimed. As if
filling a hole in my heart, life made sense, even if just for an instant,
as I knew Who He was. In there, keeling, my heart with its woundedness was
able to open. Every Sunday, as it opened, weather I felt it or not, I knew,
God’s grace was working.
I read once Saint Padre Pio say prayer was the key to God’s heart. I prayed
back then, as I pray now. Not enough, but with the little prayed, much has
been given. It’s very powerful when we, who are made to His Image and
Likeness, pray and acknowledge Him, who created us. In a way is like
talking with Our Father, but the One in Heaven. Doing it with honesty and
simplicity carries tremendous transformative power. Invoking the name of
His Only begotten Son, anything is possible. When we recognize we have done
wrong, when we plead for help, for forgiveness, when we ask for another
chance, for a sign of hope, He listens as He is Mercy himelf.
Pope Francis said to spend every day some time contempleting a crucifix.
Thank God for reminding us every day of this, that He is Mercy. He opens us
up to the invisible and all-powerful God, made visible in one man, His Son
Jesus Christ. He can be found now in you and me, in our children, in those
countless children who need our help, the unborn, in the refugees, the
ill.
The world is very poor, in its fancy buildings and its pompousness. Christ
was made poor, he walked with us poor, yet He was the richest. By Him, we
can be made rich. His suffering is so full of richness, of Love, that it
can fill the whole world. When you and I allow for one little drop of His
blood to fall on us, our wounds heal as Mercy envelopes us. This process is
different for everyone. Yet it all happens in Him, United with Him.
I am learning that this unity is real, not just a metaphor. I see it as
related to the mystical body of Christ. We belong to it, He decides in His
perfect Wisdom to arrange us according to His will. His way are not our
ways, prayer however helps us discern, see better the workings of God in
our lives. Many of us, post abortive, have walked with pain, with some of
the isolation he might have felt in Getshemani, or the lashing he might
have felt, for shame is a piercing lash. The world is desperate for
healing. Your healing and mine. The healing of those ravaged by addiction
and those victims of wars. Suffering is an unescapable part of being human,
yet we can walk it together, with Jesus as example, meek and patient,
goodness itself. God suffered in human form. His Son, I believe is with us,
in you and me, in our neighbor.
As I drove with my wife to our honeymoon, after a dream wedding, I read a
sign with the words of Saint Francis saying: don’t despair. This touched
me, as it conveyed a message that seems to be most urgent today. Don’t
despair brother and sister, the Lord knows you and me better then we know
ourselves, and He is good. Remember, He promised us new life, abundant life.
As i walk these new streets now, I count my blessings. I married the woman
I love, the one He put in my path, so we become one flesh. I know I am
forgiven and restored, and strive to know Him and make Him known better. I
have witnessed my family's healing and conversion, as they open up to God's
grace. I recognize better that He is the one leading me, and His way are
perfect. I fear less death. I am learning to trust Him better.
This seems to be the way our Good Lord operates.
May the Good Lord, in this feast of the Epiphany, fill you the Joy, Hope
and much Peace.
Felices Reyes.
Ivan
