Reclaiming Our Children

Alcohol, Addiction & Abortion

Getting completely honest with myself about the reasons I chose to have an abortion is one of the most horrifying realizations I have come to face in my lifetime. Yet, we are all sinners’ right? When we put our umbrella up and block ourselves off from the sunlight of the Spirit that is our savior Jesus Christ, it is no wonder we are capable of choosing evil.

We can be told how God forgives us, we can go to confession, we can enter into a
Post abortive healing ministry such as Entering Canaan, but I know for me, I was still
faced with the pang of "I cannot believe what I have done" - no matter how many of the right people were telling me that I had been forgiven. There are so many facets we need to heal from after having had abortions. I was spiritually and mentally sick. My abortion was, I thought, the last stop on my path to self-destruction.

For me, however, the umbrella that I previously mentioned, the one that  blocked me off from Jesus, was actually drugs and alcohol. I hid from God the moment my drug and alcohol abuse started progressing. Being a self-centered and selfish addict, I felt that there was no room for God in my deplorable lifestyle and that since I wasn't living a moral life, my faithfulness and religion were the obvious parts of my being that just had to go at that time. It just wasn't working for me. I'd rather have a good time and not feel guilty about disappointing God. Sounds insane, right?

I can speak so openly about this because I have recovered from a hopeless state of mind and body and the obsession to use drugs and alcohol has been lifted, by the grace of God. Funny thing about God is He never left me. I realize now just how present He has been in my life this entire time.

Something that I struggled with greatly was the loss of my virginity. I grew up in a wonderful and loving Irish Catholic family. I had very strong convictions about waiting until my wedding night to lose my virginity to my husband. People my age thought I was crazy, but this was my faith. I knew this is what Jesus wanted for me and I was perfectly at peace with it. At twenty years old, when you add drugs and alcohol into the mix, I lost my virginity. I felt that a part of me had died. Had I been sober, I can honestly say this never would have happened. My sober mind and body have completely different morals and convictions than my drug-addled self. This started a pattern of depression because I was so utterly disappointed in myself. It was at this point that I realized I could actually numb these feelings on more of a regular basis. From this point on my drug and alcohol use really escalated and I found myself in terrible situations.

I was looking to fill that God-shaped hole I had in the pit of my soul with anything other than the ONLY thing that would fit there - GOD. I looked to guys, drugs and alcohol to fill that void for me. I know today that God is the only one that fills that void, but at the time I searched high and low for anything to make me feel better. It was all about getting out of me.

I found myself in a decadent relationship for a substantial amount of time - and I was positive this person and I were to be married. We loved to party - everything was always fun and boy, did we have so many inconsequential things in common! We liked the same music, we loved the way each other dressed, and we liked the same foods! Sounds like a match made in Heaven....not! But this was where my crazy mind was at the time - in such a state of reliance upon worldly things. It didn't take long for me to become pregnant. Now I was faced with the absolute worst evil known to man. Never, EVER would I abort this child. Any report I had ever written in any debate class growing up was strictly pro-life and there were no ands, ifs, buts’ about it. Sadly, all of this knowledge could not win out over the selfish motives in my head.

I knew this was wrong - I knew God would forgive me. I even knew my parents would support me if I ever came to them with news they are having a grandchild. But there were two main things: what would people think of me? And do I have to give up partying? I was so concerned with others opinions of me that I decided I would suffer the consequences internally so that I could go on with my life and deal with the pain myself just as long as people didn't know I was pregnant. I was also not ready to give up my drugs and alcohol. I still had more partying to do! A baby would really mess that up for me. Little did I know, from that point forward, my "partying" would never be the same. "Party" usually has a positive> connotation - meaning its fun. The downward spiral I fell into after my abortion with drugs and alcohol was the darkest place I have ever ventured and none of it was fun. The first time I admitted that those were definitely huge factors leading into my decision to abort, I felt so free.

I cared SO much about what others thought of me - God forbid people knew that I was pregnant, what would they say about me?! Today I know that the world does not revolve around me and that people are going to say bad things about others all the time, so I was putting the fate of my child in the hands of judgmental humans. I also let drugs and alcohol make a life or death decision for my unborn child. Yes, it feels awful admitting that this was my truth, however I am not that girl today.

After my abortion, I was left with feelings of rage, fear, glaring insecurities and paralyzing guilt. I used drugs and alcohol to forget about my feelings but this only made them worse. I actually attended entering Canaan through Lumina and came back to Church and started going to confession regularly to start to deal with my abortion head on. I would go on retreats and vow that I was never going to drink or drug again, but I would come home and find myself drunk and high on a Sunday night after leaving a retreat and wonder how did this happen? I had no defense against these substances. I had a serious drug and alcohol addiction. Things got progressively worse, never better. Church wasn't getting me sober; confession (every Monday) wasn't getting me sober. I could get myself sober to get to a retreat, mass or a meeting with my priest but outside of that, I absolutely could not sit alone with my feelings and face them sober. The pain was too great for this drug addict and alcoholic. I wanted to die. I prayed every night that I would not wake up and I would be mad at God when my eyes opened in the morning that I had to face another day of this agony.

About a year ago, I sought help for my drug addiction and alcoholism. There are no coincidences in this life. It was everything I have been waiting for my whole entire life. My God-shaped hole is being filled by GOD. Not substances, not people, not cool clothes or cars, etc. I belong to a fellowship where I am surrounded by faithful people who struggle with the same disease I have and in speaking with other women found out that I am not the only one that has had an abortion in my past. I see a great need for women to heal from their abortions in a setting like the one I am in. There are so many women I come in contact with daily that have not dealt with their abortions.

Drugs and alcohol definitely led to my promiscuity which in turn, eventually led to my pregnancy. I chose abortion for selfish reasons but becoming honest about that today and owning it brings me such freedom. By the grace of God I am on to a new chapter in my post-abortive healing. God is always here - we just put our umbrellas up for certain lengths of time. I truly feel that Jesus had been waiting for me to deal with my drug and alcohol addiction so that I can fully heal from my abortion and past decisions leading up to my pregnancy. I pray that God uses me to reach other post-abortive women afflicted with the same issues as me. My first prayer when I wake up every morning is that Jesus puts someone in my path that I can help today. That prayer used to be a lot different (and VERY MORBID). I am so grateful that I do not ever have to live my life that way again. There is nothing in this world that a drink or a drug will not make worse and I am so blessed to be in recovery and be a part of this ministry. These two aspects of my life are finally together - in perfect harmony. Nothing in God's world happens by mistake. I trust the timing of my life implicitly because He is the one in charge of it. -BT

Prayerful Remembrance

Looking for something to do in your parish for Respect Life Month? why not check out the "Prayer Remembrance Service? https://www.enteringcanaan.com/prayer-service
Manuals Available.

Thanksgiving Proclaimation

Thanksgiving Proclamation

The year that is drawing towards its close, has been filled with the blessings of fruitful fields and healthful skies. To these bounties, which are so constantly enjoyed that we are prone to forget the source from which they come, others have been added, which are of so extraordinary a nature, that they cannot fail to penetrate and soften even the heart which is habitually insensible to the ever watchful providence of Almighty God.

In the midst of a civil war of unequaled magnitude and severity, which has sometimes seemed to foreign States to invite and to provoke their aggression, peace has been preserved with all nations, order has been maintained, the laws have been respected and obeyed, and harmony has prevailed everywhere except in the theatre of military conflict; while that theatre has been greatly contracted by the advancing armies and navies of the Union. Needful diversions of wealth and of strength from the fields of peaceful industry to the national defence, have not arrested the plough, the shuttle or the ship; the axe has enlarged the borders of our settlements, and the mines, as well of iron and coal as of the precious metals, have yielded even more abundantly than heretofore.

Population has steadily increased, notwithstanding the waste that has been made in the camp, the siege and the battle-field; and the country, rejoicing in the consiousness of augmented strength and vigor, is permitted to expect continuance of years with large increase of freedom. No human counsel hath devised nor hath any mortal hand worked out these great things. They are the gracious gifts of the Most High God, who, while dealing with us in anger for our sins, hath nevertheless remembered mercy. It has seemed to me fit and proper that they should be solemnly, reverently and gratefully acknowledged as with one heart and one voice by the whole American People.

I do therefore invite my fellow citizens in every part of the United States, and also those who are at sea and those who are sojourning in foreign lands, to set apart and observe the last Thursday of November next, as a day of Thanksgiving and Praise to our beneficent Father who dwelleth in the Heavens. And I recommend to them that while offering up the ascriptions justly due to Him for such singular deliverances and blessings, they do also, with humble penitence for our national perverseness and disobedience, commend to His tender care all those who have become widows, orphans, mourners or sufferers in the lamentable civil strife in which we are unavoidably engaged, and fervently implore the interposition of the Almighty Hand to heal the wounds of the nation and to restore it as soon as may be consistent with the Divine purposes to the full enjoyment of peace, harmony, tranquillity and Union.

In testimony whereof, I have hereunto set my hand and caused the Seal of the United States to be affixed.

Done at the City of Washington, this Third day of October, in the year of our Lord one thousand eight hundred and sixty-three, and of the Independence of the Unites States the Eighty-eighth.

By the President: Abraham Lincoln

Giving Thanks for Everything

On Monday I went to New Haven, CT to venerate the heart of St John Vianney. In these troubled times in our church who better(besides of course Jesus & Mary) to pray to than the "Priests, priest" for intercession.

It was a beautiful morning. As I knelt in front of his heart I felt a deep peace but also a conviction of ways in which I was sinning that I was not really aware of. 

The Sacrament of Reconciliation was available as well. It was a wonderful experience of God's mercy and I was given a beautiful penance. For the 4 days up to Thanksgiving, I was to make myself aware as much as possible, of the many blessings I have to be grateful for in my life. My list is very long!

Of course I am grateful for friends & family and the many materials things I have to live my life, that I so often taken for granted. I also am grateful for y failings and the crosses He sends my way that keep me close and allow me to grow in His love, knowing He is there with me teaching me. I truly feel grateful as well, to the Lord for His mercy and how He has allowed me to serve Him in the Entering Canaan Ministry.

I have been so blessed to meet so many wonderful women, men, siblings and others whose lives have been touched by abortion. Their humility and courage in coming forward for healing and allowing Gods mercy into their lives always touches my heart so deeply. I am  grateful to have met all of them (you know who you are),and thank them for sharing this deep wound of their hearts. Our God is so good and merciful. He is waiting for each one of us and is so happy to welcome us home. 

Mostly, I am thankful for Mary, who I love deeply and who like a good mother always saves me from myself, shielding me under her mantle. I know I would be lost without her.

There is one day left for my penance. I pray  I carry it over into everyday of my life. It is so easy to fall into a pattern and take things for granted. Instead of a penance, it has truly been a gift to me! Thank you Lord for your goodness and mercy to us!

Blessed Thanksgiving!

A beautiful Eucharistic retreat day with The Missionaries of the Most Holy Eucharist for those of you in the New York area.

Come Lord Jesus! The only one who can truly heal us of our abortion or any other sin!

Jesus we trust in You!

Hope & Healing

Beautiful Hope & Healing retreat in Toledo this past weekend.

In the words of their Project Rachel Facilitator, Clarissa Lipinski:

Who doesn’t like spending the weekend with The King of the Universe? I am drained and my ankles are the size of tree trunks but souls are worth it ❤️ 

Thank you Clarissa for your faithfulness and love! There is healing after abortion!

Jesus, we trust in You!

Concert for Life

Saturday was an amazing day! I was blessed to attend "The Concert for Life"  benefitting Good Counsel Homes.

The concert was held at the beautiful Marian Shrine in Haverstraw, New York, where we were gifted with extraordinary professional talent performed freely for the benefit of our moms and babies. 

First up was the talented Mueller Family Schola who I have been blessed to know for many years.  The Schola is comprised of Christopher Mueller,  a composer and conductor in the greater Washington, D.C. area. He  is also the director of music for the Saint John Paul II National Shrine in D.C., as well as the organist & choirmaster at the Church of St. Bernadette in Silver Spring. The Schola consists of Chris along with his wife Constanza and their three very talented children. The family has performed throughout the world and brought us to the beauty of Gregorian chant giving all glory to God.

The next performers were pianist Michael Fennelly  and his wife Megan Weston, a talented Soprano , who accompanied by Michael provided us with French Romantic Music.  Michael who has previously sold out Carnegie Hall and plays around the globe, captured us with his performance of Gershwin’s Rhapsody in Blue.  He will be playing Carnegie Hall again later this month.

The generosity of these artists is beyond measure, and we cannot thank Eileen Peterson enough for putting this outstanding concert together. Be on the outlook for it next year, 

 I actually left feeling badly for those did not know about this exceptional event and  missed the opportunity for this wonderful performance that was sure to please anyone blessed enough to be there.

Look out for it next year..it is truly something you  do not want to miss!

Jesus & Me – The Wining & Dining of Conversion

Conversion, true conversion, is a crazy thing. It can be dreaded, exhilarating, terrifying, fun, painful, joyful, and sad; I can go on and on. Once you have been touched and personally experienced Christ, your life is forever changed one way or the other. You can say yes, or no, to His invitation to follow Him, it is totally up to you, but one thing is for sure, life will never be the same.

I always describe my period of “dating”, getting to know Jesus, as Him wining and dining me. I enjoyed the peace of His presence as He touched my heart, taught me about himself, accepted me unconditionally, and healed my inner wounds, especially that of my abortion.  It was a profound experience, as if He were my first true love, which in fact He was, since all of us are human and fall short of what He is able to give us.  Was it painful at times? Yes, because He called me, (and continues to call me) to die to “self”. To live His life in me, but I have never once been sorry I made that choice to follow Him.

I often think of the apostles who spent so much time intimately with Jesus. They were right beside Him in the midst of His miracles, and listened intently to His teachings. They had 3 years of “wining and dining”, only to see it cumulate in His suffering, death, and resurrection. It must have been disheartening to see how they, who had known Him so well, abandoned Him and hide in fear until the manifestation of the Holy Spirit who called them to spread the good news.

They were told to travel in twos into foreign lands, taking nothing with them….no food, no money, no bags, NOTHING. If they weren’t accepted, they were to shake the dust off of their feet and move on. He was calling them to let go of all they had known, and trust in His love for them. The life changing experience of knowing Jesus forever changed what they had known life to be.

Jesus calls us out into the unknown as well. He calls us to “be not afraid”, and to venture into the path He has paved for our salvation. It is humbling to recognize how difficult it is to let go of certain behaviors that were so much a part of our lives before we came to know them. Behaviors we never even thought about or considered wrong because we were so blind to the truth.

We become locked in a place of wanting Him, and yet still humanly wanting the familiar people, behaviors and things in our lives, some of whom are not in accordance with His will. We also still long for the love and acceptance of those we consider our friends and family who may think we have gone off the deep end, and cannot understand what has happened to us.

We want our life with Christ, and yet we want our old life, in some respects, just as much. We feel as though we are standing with one foot in the world, and the other bound for heaven unable or unwilling to lift our foot from the paths of the earth, all we have ever known.

No matter how far we get on the road, we will still find ourselves with those struggles in this life. In the beginning we may slip and fall often, even gravely. Jesus knew this and so we have the beautiful gift of the Sacrament of Reconciliation. As we progress, we may not fall gravely, but availing ourselves of this sacrament regularly gives us the grace we need to  grow along our spiritual journey.

We do not need to want to do all He asks of us in the beginning. The desire to want to want to do them is enough, as we reach out and continue to grow in relationship.

It can be hard, to end an unhealthy relationship, perhaps living with someone, or giving up behaviors that hurt us. Speaking the truth in love can be terrifying, while knowing we are all sinners in need of His mercy, and yet in our hearts we know to turn back will only cause us misery and pain.

Being touched by the mercy of Christ in the midst of a grievous sin is incomprehensible to those who have not experienced it. It is almost unbelievable, a miracle of mercy, yet that is what Christ gives us, and as He gives us that, He also gives us the means to continue on the path to Him, the only one who can truly satisfy our hearts desire. To push ourselves aside trusting in this love and mercy, as we venture forth, not only because He has told us to trust Him, but because we know it is true.

“It is Jesus that you seek when you dream of happiness; He is waiting for you when nothing else you find satisfies you; He is the beauty to which you are so attracted; it is He who provoked you with that thirst for fullness that will not let you settle for compromise; it is He who urges you to shed the masks of a false life; it is He who reads in your heart your most genuine choices, the choices that others try to stifle.

It is Jesus who stirs in you the desire to do something great with your lives, the will to follow an ideal, the refusal to allow yourselves to be ground down by mediocrity, the courage to commit yourselves humbly and patiently to improving yourselves and society, making the world more human and more fraternal.”  “It is Jesus that you seek when you dream of happiness; He is waiting for you when nothing else you find satisfies you; He is the beauty to which you are so attracted; it is He who provoked you with that thirst for fullness that will not let you settle for compromise; it is He who urges you to shed the masks of a false life; it is He who reads in your heart your most genuine choices, the choices that others try to stifle.

It is Jesus who stirs in you the desire to do something great with your lives, the will to follow an ideal, the refusal to allow yourselves to be ground down by mediocrity, the courage to commit yourselves humbly and patiently to improving yourselves and society, making the world more human and more fraternal.”  St John Paul II

Thank you Jesus for wining and dining me in the beginning, and each time I receive Your Body and Blood in the Eucharist which gives me strength until I share the eternal banquet in heaven.

Licking Our Wounds

"If we do not begin examining our wretchedness, if we stay lost and despair that we will never be forgiven, we end up licking our wounds, and they stay open and never heal. Instead there is medicine, there is healing, we only need take a small step towards God or at least express a desire to take it.A tiny opening is enough.( Pope Francis, The Name of God is Mercy, pg 57)

 

It is a hard thing for us to admit our wretchedness. To burst the bubble of our false perceptions of ourselves and to see ourselves in truth. We do not want to believe that we could have ever done something so terrible. I hear it all the time , "I cannot believe I had an abortion."

We want to believe the best of ourselves. Humility is often not easy to come by, so we continue to fight to find the answer that will make our truth of sin justified in some way. Trouble is it never can be. The paradox of course is that seeing ourselves in this truth and of our need for God is what actually  heals us in the end. That which we dreaded most, is our answer.

Some people however, refuse to let go.They become comfortable in the despair and even find some kind of pleasure in "licking the wounds" caused by abortion. It is familiar, and to some familiarity is easier than taking a leap of faith and change through truth, especially if you were betrayed by those you loved.

I think that many, understandably, get stuck in this place, but as Pope Francis says, "a tiny opening is enough".

God knows it is scary, that is why He shows us over in over in scripture His mercy towards sinners. The adulteress woman, the prodigal son, the woman at the well, all sinners shown mercy.

Feeling stuck in your healing? Comfortable licking your wounds? Crack the door just a tiny bit! Ask God in, with sincerity of heart, in spite of your fears. He won't disappoint you and you just may find that the comfort and peace of healing is much better than licking your wounds!

 

Heroic Humility

Hero: one who displays courage and self-sacrifice for the greater good.

We have been hearing a lot about heroes lately. For me, what immediately comes to mind are the men and women who make great sacrifices to serve in our military.

I have been blessed to meet a lot of them over the years since my younger son served in the Marine Corps in Iraq as a Recon Marine. He is a hero to me, but there are countless others.

I have mourned with other moms I have come to know, as their sons made the ultimate sacrifice, and I have prayed and continue to pray, for those who struggle mentally and physically because of their service to our country. I have cried as friends of my son could not deal with the aftermath, and have taken their own lives or are hospitalized or in jail.

No one can ever know the extent of what these people have gone through, and they deserve our unfailing support. They truly have shown courage and self sacrifice, and no matter what are heroes.

But, there is another group of heroes I know. Heroes who, instead of self sacrificing started out self centered. Instead of courageous, they caved into pressures and shrunk in the face of a challenge. Instead of saving lives, they participated in ending them.

So you may ask, who are they and how can I call them heroes? They are the women and men who come us seeking healing from abortion.

You may be saying, “Hey, they killed their own child," or, ‘They brought on their own suffering," how can you call them courageous? Yes, that is all true, but it is all the more reason why they are courageous.  In the face of that horrifying truth, they're coming forward knowing what they have done and being honest about it, that displays courage and a pushing of self and ego aside in order to face the truth.

• That first phone call of admittance to their sin, in the sheer terror of being judged and condemned.
• That leap of faith as they approach a confessional for the first time, sometimes after decades.
• The first time they tell their story in front of others
• Their perseverance in facing the many battles fought during healing

These are all courageous acts to me.

No, it is not the same as those self sacrificing men and women who serve in our military, or those who have always served others.  It is a heroic humility embraced in the face of their sin.  It is a total surrender, a dying to self to trust in the One who can heal them in spite of anything they may be feeling.

Yes, these people are heroic to me, and I am blessed to be able to serve them in this ministry as I watch God reveal His forgiveness, Mercy & love.

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Are you living in darkness and depression after an abortion?
Unable to get past the pain of your loss?
There is Hope.  There is Healing.  There is a way out of the darkness.
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Call us at 1-877-586-4621 or 1-718-881-8008