Conversion, true conversion, is a crazy thing. It can be dreaded, exhilarating, terrifying, fun, painful, joyful, and sad; I can go on and on. Once you have been touched and personally experienced Christ, your life is forever changed one way or the other. You can say yes, or no, to His invitation to follow Him, it is totally up to you, but one thing is for sure, life will never be the same.
I always describe my period of “dating”, getting to know Jesus, as Him wining and dining me. I enjoyed the peace of His presence as He touched my heart, taught me about himself, accepted me unconditionally, and healed my inner wounds, especially that of my abortion. It was a profound experience, as if He were my first true love, which in fact He was, since all of us are human and fall short of what He is able to give us. Was it painful at times? Yes, because He called me, (and continues to call me) to die to “self”. To live His life in me, but I have never once been sorry I made that choice to follow Him.
I often think of the apostles who spent so much time intimately with Jesus. They were right beside Him in the midst of His miracles, and listened intently to His teachings. They had 3 years of “wining and dining”, only to see it cumulate in His suffering, death, and resurrection. It must have been disheartening to see how they, who had known Him so well, abandoned Him and hide in fear until the manifestation of the Holy Spirit who called them to spread the good news.
They were told to travel in twos into foreign lands, taking nothing with them….no food, no money, no bags, NOTHING. If they weren’t accepted, they were to shake the dust off of their feet and move on. He was calling them to let go of all they had known, and trust in His love for them. The life changing experience of knowing Jesus forever changed what they had known life to be.
Jesus calls us out into the unknown as well. He calls us to “be not afraid”, and to venture into the path He has paved for our salvation. It is humbling to recognize how difficult it is to let go of certain behaviors that were so much a part of our lives before we came to know them. Behaviors we never even thought about or considered wrong because we were so blind to the truth.
We become locked in a place of wanting Him, and yet still humanly wanting the familiar people, behaviors and things in our lives, some of whom are not in accordance with His will. We also still long for the love and acceptance of those we consider our friends and family who may think we have gone off the deep end, and cannot understand what has happened to us.
We want our life with Christ, and yet we want our old life, in some respects, just as much. We feel as though we are standing with one foot in the world, and the other bound for heaven unable or unwilling to lift our foot from the paths of the earth, all we have ever known.
No matter how far we get on the road, we will still find ourselves with those struggles in this life. In the beginning we may slip and fall often, even gravely. Jesus knew this and so we have the beautiful gift of the Sacrament of Reconciliation. As we progress, we may not fall gravely, but availing ourselves of this sacrament regularly gives us the grace we need to grow along our spiritual journey.
We do not need to want to do all He asks of us in the beginning. The desire to want to want to do them is enough, as we reach out and continue to grow in relationship.
It can be hard, to end an unhealthy relationship, perhaps living with someone, or giving up behaviors that hurt us. Speaking the truth in love can be terrifying, while knowing we are all sinners in need of His mercy, and yet in our hearts we know to turn back will only cause us misery and pain.
Being touched by the mercy of Christ in the midst of a grievous sin is incomprehensible to those who have not experienced it. It is almost unbelievable, a miracle of mercy, yet that is what Christ gives us, and as He gives us that, He also gives us the means to continue on the path to Him, the only one who can truly satisfy our hearts desire. To push ourselves aside trusting in this love and mercy, as we venture forth, not only because He has told us to trust Him, but because we know it is true.
“It is Jesus that you seek when you dream of happiness; He is waiting for you when nothing else you find satisfies you; He is the beauty to which you are so attracted; it is He who provoked you with that thirst for fullness that will not let you settle for compromise; it is He who urges you to shed the masks of a false life; it is He who reads in your heart your most genuine choices, the choices that others try to stifle.
It is Jesus who stirs in you the desire to do something great with your lives, the will to follow an ideal, the refusal to allow yourselves to be ground down by mediocrity, the courage to commit yourselves humbly and patiently to improving yourselves and society, making the world more human and more fraternal.” “It is Jesus that you seek when you dream of happiness; He is waiting for you when nothing else you find satisfies you; He is the beauty to which you are so attracted; it is He who provoked you with that thirst for fullness that will not let you settle for compromise; it is He who urges you to shed the masks of a false life; it is He who reads in your heart your most genuine choices, the choices that others try to stifle.
It is Jesus who stirs in you the desire to do something great with your lives, the will to follow an ideal, the refusal to allow yourselves to be ground down by mediocrity, the courage to commit yourselves humbly and patiently to improving yourselves and society, making the world more human and more fraternal.” St John Paul II
Thank you Jesus for wining and dining me in the beginning, and each time I receive Your Body and Blood in the Eucharist which gives me strength until I share the eternal banquet in heaven.
