"Is it possible that by our 'goodness' we are trying to earn God's love? Is it possible that we will receive love from our Creator only in exchange for our achievements and virtues? After all, isn't it true that the only possible exchange that can take place between God and a creature is receiving His forgiveness and His mercy 'in return' for surrendering our sins and misery to Him?" (God Alone Suffices, pg. 106)
Surrendering our sins and misery. Sounds like it should be so easy. Who wants to hold on to “sins and misery," yet, we do. We sometimes cling to them as if they were our best friends! Sometimes it is so difficult to let go even when we do not want that which we cling to. Even sin and misery can become familiar and comfortable!
Over the years I have met many women and men who have refused to let go of the pain of their abortions. I am not saying it is something they do consciously, but they believe they do not deserve to be forgiven, or they are not ready to make changes in their lives. Many are afraid to trust. Who can blame them? Often it was those who were supposed to love them that pressured them to abort?
They may mouth the words of wanting to have the pain go away, and yet they cling to the suffering, refusing to feel any relief. In some ways, I think this is because they are afraid that if they “surrender” their pain to God, they are somehow denying their children again. They think they would forget them, as if this were possible.
In some cases, they want to continue to punish themselves. They believe abortion is the unforgivable sin putting a limit on God's mercy. Others think they need to somehow make up for their abortion before they can surrender, and so they occupy themselves in a million ways, as if it were possible to make up for the taking of their child’s life.
We cannot earn God’s love. Most importantly, we do not have to. It has, and will continue to always be there, for God is Love and Mercy itself.
Healing from our sins is not something He gives in the future, it exists in the present moment. It exists in the turning our lives and our wills over to Him who died for our “sins and misery," and trusting in love enough to receive His "forgiveness and mercy.” It is in knowing His love for us and trusting that He is constantly leading us into union with Him no matter what sins we have committed in the past if we are truly sorry and are trying to live life in His grace.
So, let go… surrender your sins and your misery. It may be scary at first and more often than not you may find you have to let go over and over again. But, when you do, you will not forget your child or your sins, but instead He will transform them both into channels of His grace and you will live in gratitude for the Mercy He has shown you.
