Reclaiming Our Children

The "Un" doer

Sometimes I think I spent half of my life just trying to survive. There was always a feeling of aloneness.

I was a change of life baby, always reminded how I was not planned for and frankly not wanted. I never remember ever being validated. My talents were never nurtured, nor was I shown affection from my parents or told I was loved.

I am not sharing this to blame them, who knows what they experienced in their own lives to be that way, nor am I looking for sympathy, I am just stating the truth of a life that shaped decisions as I was seeking what everyone of us longs for, love.

Anyone who has heard my story can see the ways this manifested itself in my early life. It was not pretty.

Growing up in the sixties, free love, free sex, etc., I was ripe to get pulled into it all searching for true love and freedom of which I knew nothing about. Instead of freedom, this life ultimately led me to my deepest bondage.

I became pregnant as a teenager and was thrown out of the house, and disowned by family – a validation of all I had felt in my life growing up, that feeling of being in the way, not belonging and a burden. They were finally rid of me. That’s how I felt.

Coerced by my father, who cut me off from everything, I gave in to his pressure and had an abortion. This further validated my feelings. I was
unworthy, unwanted and unloved. Worse yet, in a quest to please those who rejected me, I aborted my unborn child.

Of course nothing changed in regard to acceptance, it only led me deeper into my destructive behavior marrying an addict who treated me badly. It was what I believed I deserved. How could anyone love me?

So why do I share all this? Because although I have found the mercy of God and know the truth of my dignity, I still have my “un” moments. I think most of us do.

I still carry the wounds of those years. I still have days I struggle to see my goodness, and I still beat myself up at times when I am having an, what I call, “un” day. Unloved, unwanted, and unworthy. These are the tools the devil now uses to try to get me to turn from Christ. Deep seated wounds used to try to get me not to believe in the love and mercy of God.

These feelings are so ingrained in me that hardly a day goes by that at some moment I do not catch myself putting myself down. The difference of course is that now I am never alone in these moments, I know Jesus and Mary are with me, I know I am forgiven and loved, and I know these are the lies of the devil.

I think I will probably experience these battles throughout my life on earth. It is, as St Paul says, my “thorn”, but by the grace of God I have learned that even though I can still “feel” these things at times, I “know” they are not true.

I often speak of levels of healing that correspond to our spiritual growth. As we grow in the love of Christ He brings us deeper into our woundedness. It would be impossible to look at such deep pain without first knowing His love for us. As our love grows and we venture deeper, so does our healing.

Sometimes it can be a tough battle against despair. I have come to know my “self” so I can see the patterns the devil uses. I have learned through Christ’s love to embrace my “self”, to correct my “self” and, most importantly, to turn my gaze off of my “self” onto Him and His love and mercy for me.

It is in doing this that I have learned to take my “uns” and plunge them into the flames of the Sacred Heart of Jesus there to be consumed by His love and mercy.

We all have battles we will fight during our time on earth, but there is a huge difference when we are not fighting them alone. At the foot of the cross Jesus gave us Mary Our Mother to accompany us, help us in battle and lead us always to her Son. Our Mother of Mercy, always protecting us.

The truth is, the battle has already been won by the One who came to “un” do sin and death by His suffering, and resurrection in order to redeem us! That’s one “un” I can’t live without!

Pope John Paul II Speaks to Women who have had Abortions

 

Sibling Weekend

Sibling weekend

Acknowledging My Sin

reprint from newsletter 2013

Here I am today, two and a half years after my abortion. Through God’s mercy and forgiveness, I have begun to heal in ways that I never thought were possible.  I had full intent on bearing the brunt of my sin of abortion for my entire life, never to experience full happiness – because that’s what I was sure I deserved.  I had done the unthinkable and I was prepared to beat myself up forever.  I assumed the pain would be bad, but it was so much worse than anyone could ever prepare you for.  However, through Lumina and Entering Canaan and an open heart things are better.  Things are SO MUCH BETTER.  This struggle is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to face, but with struggle comes growth.   There are many layers to our healing, God keeps us in check by allowing certain hardships to come our way but we have to remember that we need Him always – for everything.  If we keep our eyes on Jesus, we can conquer and learn any thing that comes our way. 

This sin in particular was so multi-faceted, I didn’t even know where or how to begin to look at it.  There are effects pre and post-denial.  I would constantly cry immediately leading up to and after the abortion.  The people at the clinic read off statistics to me as to how many other women have gone through the same thing but the whole time all I could think about was how mad at myself I was that I was even part of that statistic.  I NEVER wanted to be part of that statistic and hearing that “so many people do it” was definitely never going to make me feel any less pain or make what I was going to do okay.

I was aware from the beginning that what I was doing was wrong, but I was in survival mode.  I couldn’t think too long about each step of the process because I felt that I’d lose my mind.  Little did I know, I was absolutely losing my mind – and my child.  I was fully aware of the regret that would come afterwards, but I was willing to live a life of regret just to preserve my worldly reputation.  I had no idea the extent and the deepness of the regret that was to come. 

The whole situation surrounding my pregnancy was an out of body experience from the instant I took the pregnancy exam.  I simply just got through the days until my appointment at the clinic was made.  I cried myself to sleep every night, however that wasn’t enough for me to realize that God was trying so hard to get me back.  The devil wanted me on autopilot.  He didn’t want me to accept the life that had been bestowed to me  - as a GIFT from God, not a burden.  Granted, being a pregnant, unmarried, young twenty two year old girl wasn’t “convenient” but it seemed so much scarier than it actually was.  The root of the matter is based on all worldly things.  Things that pain me so much to look back on, realizing how insignificant and silly my reasons to abort were.  I was so unbelievably scared of what people would think.  I was so eager to maintain a reputation that wasn’t even faithful to protect myself, that I lost sight of the one thing that REALLY matters – God’s opinion.  He is the only one I should have been worried about.  He gave me a precious gift that I was too scared to accept.  I believe that my sin of abortion began when I was sickened by the results of my pregnancy test and thought, “I need it out."  I was in such denial it took me 4 months to finally even buy one.  All of the physical signs were there, but I refused to believe it.  What’s absurd is how I could think that I could bargain my way out of this?  “God, I won’t have sex anymore if you just let this test be negative.”  What I failed to realize is that I conceived 4 months prior so no matter what I bargained, the reality of the situation was that I had gotten pregnant.  The thought of having a child would immediately be blocked out of my mind.  It was like I was rejecting any hopeful or happy thoughts of life.  I didn’t reach out to any of the people that could have helped me.  I would Google things like “do you ever get over an abortion?”  I would read blogs with responses from girls that had had abortions.  They didn’t make me feel better; instead they definitely kept me on track to self-destruction.  The things written on these blogs and pro-choice websites are positively the workings of the devil.  The devil had me though at that point, so I wasn’t very sensitive to his presence.  I yearned for God but I felt that my mindset was so despicable that I might as well just save my prayers until after the abortion.  By not trusting in God’s plan, I did exactly what the devil wanted me to do – I chose death.  The catch here is that, after I chose death, the devil wasn’t there. 

I didn’t honestly face what I had done yet so I sat quietly as people around me trying to console me told me that I did the right thing, and that it was my choice…but this never felt right.  I didn’t ever want to be part of that statistic.  I wanted to be the girl outside of the clinic praying a rosary.  Not the one that couldn’t even look up at this angelic girl – probably my age – trying to persuade me away from the clinic.  My shame and guilt were so heavy I could not look this girl in the eye.  I made a bee-line for that clinic.  Self-preservation can bring out the worst in someone.  Self-preservation is no way to live.  There were so many “me”, I”, and “my’s”.  I wasn’t acting out of love, I was acting out of self.  That’s always recipe for disaster. 

When I woke up from the anesthesia after my abortion, I would be lying if I said I didn’t feel initial relief.  I wasn’t pregnant anymore and had assumed the pregnancy was the problem and now I was no longer pregnant.  However, the relief quickly wore off.  I had this empty feeling in my stomach.  I could feel it physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually - just empty all over.  I thought that I was scared leading up to the abortion, well now I was fearing everything.  I feared God and I was never a God-fearing person.  I was a shell of my once confident, loving and faithful self.  The nights following my abortion were filled with anger, screaming, regret, pain, and utter sadness.  I couldn’t believe what I had done.  I missed my baby.  I missed this person that I don’t even know – that I killed.    All of my reasons for aborting suddenly seemed so silly.  They were NOTHING compared to the life that I had just ended.  The reality of the situation was starting to sink in.  I had had an abortion…but at the time and for months following I couldn’t even say or hear the word “abortion.”

When I was younger, any time I had to write about or debate a social issue, I chose abortion.  I would write pages upon pages about how wrong it is.  My innocence and conscience were fully intact.  I grew up in a pro-life household in an Irish Catholic family.  My parents weren’t abusive or unloving.  They are reasonable, extremely loving and supportive people; they were whom I went to with all of my problems.  When I went to college, I was very well-rounded.  My freshman year, I remember I gave up alcohol for lent – and it wasn’t an issue.  A lot of people thought I was crazy, but I had no problem doing it.  Drinking was something that I liked, so I would sacrifice that for 40 days.  Well, that mentality did not last long.  By sophomore year I was drinking and using drugs on a regular basis – it was a way to feel out of myself – a way to not feel reality.  My parents were divorcing and I didn’t want to deal.  This continued for years after…when I made the decision to abort I felt as if I still had more partying to do.  My boyfriend and I at the time just weren’t ready and should still “enjoy” our young lives and not disappoint his parents and the people that knew us.  I feared that I would miss out on a lot of things and would be held back had I kept the baby.  However, once I had the abortion, the drinking and the drugs made me feel worse.  They helped the abortion be buried for a little bit but they eventually made me feel so bad that I realized I couldn’t live like this anymore.  That’s when I called Theresa.  My abortion was in January and I was at my first retreat in June.  I remember finally being able to open up to the RIGHT people about my abortion.  When I first told my mom and dad, they encouraged me to go to confession and were very supportive and told me they wished I had told them sooner.  When I look back and face this situation honestly, I didn’t tell them because I knew they would make me have the baby.  There was no room for that in my path to self-destruction.  It was a Saturday during lent, a time of repentance, and after my confession the priest asked me if I knew what today’s gospel was.  No, father I don’t.  It was the Prodigal Son. God had been waiting here all along.  I was the one that messed up our relationship.  His sun was and is always shining, I just had my umbrella up to block it.  I need not fear Him, I have to LOVE him.  I have to love everyone.  I have to love myself.  Then began my journey of forgiveness and hope.

There are many layers to this healing process.  The one thing that’s been a driving force recently is a quote from Pope John Paul II’s Encyclical letter where he says “nothing is definitively lost."  To me, that’s so beautiful and helpful.  My daughter is with God in His kingdom of heaven, the most perfect place anyone could be!  As for me, I’m in the best hands, too.  Though I can’t see God or touch Him, I know he’s there.  It took me a while to realize that, but I say with confidence today I KNOW He’s there.  Jesus died for our sins, He has forgiven us, and it is our humanness that holds on to the sin of abortion.  It is our egos that get in the way and the devil that tempts us to feel that we are unforgiveable.  God doesn’t want us to beat ourselves up anymore.  He wants us to bring our pain to Him.  He can handle it.  By the suggestion of Theresa, I was led to a Catholic therapist that has changed my life. 

For a while I struggled with “how could God have let this happen?”  But, God didn’t do this to me, but He allowed me to go through with it when I chose it.  I know Theresa often says this, but I have to agree: God used my worse sin, my abortion, for my salvation.   He used it to bring me back to my faith.  I have to remind myself daily that God does not want me to carry this weight– I am forgiven and I have to forgive myself.  It is a process.  I struggle with forgiveness all of the time.  When I put it in terms of my daughter and think how she has forgiven me, it makes me sad but hopeful and a little more at peace.  I want to be the best person I can be here on earth so that I can spend eternity with her in heaven. -BT

Come join us in this beautiful Holy Hour for Life!

 

Feast of St Luke & Our Lady of Czestochowa

It is said that the miraculous image of Our Lady of Czestochowa was painted by St Luke  on the top of a cypress-wood table that came from the home of the Holy Family. At the request of the faithful, Mary sat for the portrait. When it was finished, she was pleased, saying that "My grace shall accompany it." 

As the patroness of the Entering Canaan Ministry for those suffering due to a past abortion, we have great love for this image and believe Entering Canaan belongs to her. She has guided the ministry and blessed it in countless ways over they years.

And so, we thank St Luke for this beautiful icon of Our Lady which we hold deeply in our hearts knowing she heals us in a particular way and shares in our scars of the wounds of abortion.

Prayer to Our Lady

Our Lady of Czestochowa, Merciful Mother,
You are a visible sign of the power of scars in our life.
Multiple times attempts have been made to cover your scars, much like the experience of those who have experienced abortion
however, the scars returned.

Instead of a source of pain,
your scars have become a symbol of your great love for us, your children,
and your willingness to embrace them has manifested that love
through centuries of healing and conversions.

Our scars of abortion will also remain with us in this life,
but with your help they too will not be a source of pain,
but instead will turn into a sign of Christ’s love,
a memorial of our children lost to abortion who we never want to forget.

Through your scars you have brought countless people
to the love and mercy of your Son, Jesus,
help us to use our scars of abortion to do the same.
May we always speak of the miracle of His mercy towards us,
and the healing He has given us through His forgiveness.
May this healing along with our scars lead others to your Son,
so that they too may learn to carry their scars with love.

 Our Lady of Czestochowa, patroness of those who have experienced abortion,
we trust in your motherly presence and the many miracles
associated with this image.
May we follow you as you  lead us to Jesus your Son,
and our children who are with Him in  heaven.
Amen

Are the souls of the Aborted Babies with God?

Pope Saint John Paul II and the International Theological Commission addressed this question.
The souls of the just are in the hand of God, and no torment shall touch them. They seemed, in the view of the foolish, to be dead; and their passing away was thought an affliction and their going forth from us, utter destruction. But they are in peace (Book of Wisdom 1:1-3).

I have always felt as though I have an army of souls of unborn babies supporting me in my work, interceding before God. I pray to them always to obtain the graces I need to do this work of leading souls to Christ and healing. In the beginning, it was just my own son whose presence I felt, but as the years have passed, I know there are millions of souls, a whole army, behind the work, constantly interceding and praying for the healing and reconciliation of their families.
Many, I now know by name. I even pray in front of clinics where I know they have died. It is no longer “babies die here,” but Sally’s baby, Chris, died here, or Tom’s baby, Mary. There is a personal connection to both the child and the parent.

Many argue about the status of the souls of aborted babies. Some think there is no chance that they are in heaven because they have not been baptized.  But, like the Holy Innocents, I believe theirs is a baptism of blood and that Our Merciful Savior and His Mother embrace them at their death.

 

Pope Saint John Paul II tells those who have lost a child to abortion in The Gospel of Life:
You will come to understand that nothing is definitively lost and you will also be able to ask forgiveness from your child, who is now living in the Lord (no. 99, original edition).

I remember the first time I heard those words “nothing is definitively lost,” it stirred up in me a hope of one day being with my child. We are made for heaven, for eternal life with the Lord. Our time here is limited and thanks to His mercy we can reconcile ourselves to Him and to our children.

Years later, the Vatican changed the sentence in no. 99 of The Gospel of Life – the one that had given so much consolation to women grieving over the loss of an unbaptized child, whether through miscarriage, stillbirth or abortion. It seems that theologians thought John Paul had gone too far in stating that unbaptized children were “living in the Lord,” implying that they were in heaven.   

This sentence was replaced by one that speaks of God’s mercy and yet leaves open the possibility that unbaptized infants may not be with the Lord: “To the same Father and his mercy you can with sure hope entrust your child.” It’s no small thing to hope in the Father’s mercy, of course, but the thought of even the possibility of eternal separation from one’s child is more than many mothers can bear.

Thankfully, in 2007, Pope Benedict XVI approved a statement by the International Theological Commission (ITC) titled “The Hope of Salvation for Infants who Die without Being Baptized.” Although its endnote no. 98 approves the revised language in The Gospel of Life, the “Hope of Salvation” presents numerous reasons, drawn from Scripture and Tradition, why it is reasonable to hope these children are “living in the Lord.” In addition to the Church revering the Holy Innocents as saints, the Gospels of Matthew and Mark are filled with passages in which Jesus speaks lovingly of innocent children:
 

“Let the children come to me … for to such belongs the kingdom of heaven” (Mt 19:14; cf. Lk 18:15-16, ‘infants’); “Whoever receives one such in my name receives me” (Mk 9:37); “unless you turn and become like children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven” (Mt 18:3); “Whoever humbles himself like this child, he is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven” (Mt 18:4); “whoever causes one of these little ones who believe in me to sin, it would be better for him to have a great millstone fastened around his neck and to be drowned in the depth of the sea” (Mt 18:6); “See that you do not despise one of these little ones; for I tell you that in heaven their angels always behold the face of my Father who is in heaven” (Mt 18:10). So the Church renews her commitment to show Christ’s own love and care for children (cf.
LG 11; GS 48, 50).”

In addition, they reason that (1) God’s grace is available to everyone and (2) that God does not ask us to do the impossible:
 (God did not bind His power to the sacraments, so as to be unable to bestow the sacramental effect without conferring the sacrament). God can therefore give the grace of Baptism without the sacrament being conferred, and this fact should particularly be recalled when the conferring of Baptism would be impossible.
(Hope of Salvation, no. 82)

Of course, this does not make abortions ok. Abortion is never right or ok, but it does reveal the incredible mercy of a God who died for us, a God who allows us to reclaim what is lost through sin, in the light of His forgiveness and mercy.

Infants who suffer as they die may be likened to the suffering Christ and when they die by violence,  they may be said to be baptized by their blood.

“Baptism for salvation can be received either
in re or
in voto,” meaning that a desire by an adult to be baptized in efficacious. When the sacrament of baptism is conferred on a child, “the Church professes her faith and intercedes powerfully for the infant, supplying the act of faith that the infant is unable to make.” By the same token,  if “an unbaptised infant is incapable of a
votum baptismi, then by the same bonds of communion the Church might be able to intercede for the infant and express a
votum baptismi [baptism by desire] on his or her behalf that is effective before God” (no. 98). 

I believe I will meet my son Joshua one day, and all the other babies whose parents I have been so very blessed to meet through this work. As we are embraced by the love and mercy of God, I believe we will learn how crucial the prayers and intercession of our children have been to uniting souls to God, a God who brings good out of all things, even the most terrible sins, if we allow Him to, God
– whose desire is to reconcile us to Himself – will allow us to embrace our children and to live together for eternity praising Him for His mercy.

Theresa Bonopartis

 (reprint from Aletia article 2014)

Men's Day

It is no surprise that by nature men often have a difficult time coming forward for healing from abortion.

The dynamics surrounding abortion can be different for men. Maybe they:

• coerced someone into an abortion
• didn't want the abortion
• are married to someone who had an abortion and it is impacting their relationship
• did not know about the abortion until after it took place

The truth is men suffer too.

We are so grateful, for almost twenty years to continue to hold offer healing retreats for men who are suffering from an abortion.  It is always humbling and beautiful to have these days led by a CFR, with a witness and amazing music by Michael Corsini who has been involved with Entering Canaan for over 15 years

We had a beautiful day yesterday..so grateful to God for HIs mercy and love and the team of men who lead the day, and most especially for those who come forward and share their hearts.

Check back for our next Men's Day of Prayer & Healing!

 

No Child is Unwanted

"The first right of every child is to be wanted, to be desired, to be planned for with an intensity of love that gives it its title to being." Margaret Sanger

As I read that quote of Margaret Sanger, the founder of Planned Parenthood, it amazes me how she tries to make it seem like,  if a child is not "wanted" the humane thing would be to terminate the pregnancy, because being wanted is their first "right" that gives them a "title to being". 

This issue of being "wanted" or  "unwanted" continues today in both pro abortion and pro life circles. In the pro abortion circles, it relays a sense of false compassion for the child, obviously overlooking the fact that abortion brutally kills an innocent unborn baby. 

Unfortunately, we in the pro life movement have bought in to their rhetoric.  It is not uncommon to hear the word "unwanted " used when referring to babies who have been aborted, but the truth is, we have no idea if they were wanted or not.

I  know what your thinking, the baby was aborted, so of course it was unwanted, but that is not necessarily true. There still seems to be such a misunderstanding of the dynamics of why a woman may abort. Of course, despite the circumstances abortion is never okay, but until we begin to look at the truth of what is happening we will never be able to change the  minds of those seeking abortions because we are not speaking to their hearts. We are instead, speaking to what we perceive to be the truth but which very often is not.

Sadly, many babies who are aborted were wanted.

Take the parents who receive a diagnosis and are pressured to terminate the pregnancy, or the adolescent forced into abortion by parents. How about  the woman whose husband threatens to leave if she does not end a pregnancy, or the boyfriend who turns violent and threatens her life.  Grant it, not all abortions fit these scenarios, but using the term "unwanted" just separates us from reaching those who painfully cave in to pressures even though their child may have been very wanted, and leaves them feeling like no one really understands or cares what they are going through.

Make no mistake, abortion is always wrong because it takes the life of a beautiful, innocent human being and that is where our focus should be.  There is no such thing as an unwanted child because every child is wanted by God and made in His image and likeness. Every child has dignity and worth. Using the language of the pro aborts diminishes these children to objects that are or can be discarded.

I pray understanding can increase to end the slaughter of the innocent babies, but also to reach the hearts of more and more women, who, contrary to what we are led to believe, are very often longing to move past their fears and find a way to have their very wanted babies.

 

Pregnant need help?- reach out to Good Counsel - 800 723 8331

Suffering after abortion? 877 586 4621

 

 

 

 

Haunted by the Ghosts of Abortion

Very interesting article from the Bangkok Post on "sin-cleansing" ceremonies for women who have had abortions. Thought it was worth repeating

While these ceremonies may be helpful to a certain degree, I wish that a post abortion ministry addressing the many aspects of abortion were available to them. 

The main testimonies of Ant and Bong who were both coerced into abortion are not unlike many here in the United States. While some of the article gets in to witch doctors, it just validates the impact of abortion no matter where in the world you are and the need to recognize the harm it does not only by killing the unborn, but to countless others.

“Abortion is one of the worst sins that one can commit. Nothing can cleanse this sin. Nothing in the world,” Phrakru Paisan an abbot of a temple that performs abortion ceremonies says, but we know the blood of Jesus Christ Cleanses all sin, even the sin of abortion.

Thousands of women turn to Buddhist 'sin-cleansing' ceremonies to make amends for terminating pregnancies, but guilt is hard to shift.

"Ant checked her list to make sure she hadn’t forgotten any important items for her baby girl. A milk bottle, sweets and toys were neatly packed in, ready for the trip. But the travel essentials in Ant’s...

Read the rest here.