“Returning to Galilee means treasuring in my heart the living memory of that call, when Jesus passed my way, gazed at me with mercy and asked me to follow him. It means reviving the memory of that moment when his eyes met mine, the moment when he made me realize that he loved me.” Pope Francis, Easter Vigil 2014
I will never forget that moment. Surely, a living memory. A meeting of hearts that forever is implanted on my soul, a knowing His touch and that no one can take it away from me. An encounter with Mercy Himself, that would change me forever.
Throughout my own healing, I struggled with depression. I would beg Jesus for healing. I felt bad that I had not experienced a full healing, and my confessor’s eyes showed his own sadness over my continued struggle. I understand now that the fullness of healing must come in God’s time through my total surrender to His mercy.
One night I felt depressed and suicidal, but despite these feelings I also somehow had a deep trust in God. I didn’t want my children to see me crying, so after putting them to bed I closed myself in the bathroom, crouched on the floor, and repeated over and over, “Jesus, I trust in You.”
I don’t know how many hours I did that, but well into the night an experience changed my life. I experienced being on the Cross with Christ. But instead of encountering suffering, I felt love so intense that it was capable of taking away my pain. His love washed away my sin and I knew my healing was complete.
I have never since sensed the despair of abortion, but only the profound love and forgiveness Christ gave me. I’ve watched my life transform, miraculously, as I’ve been privileged to help countless women and men suffering from abortion’s aftermath. Christ’s love transformed not only my life, but the lives of those I love.
That one moment has been the basis of all the work I do both with Lumina and developing “Entering Canaan." A confidence unshakable because it is in Him, not in anything I may or may not do. A letting go… a freedom from myself which enables me to continue to follow Him no matter how difficult it may be. A joy of heart that envelops me in His mercy no matter what I may be “feeling."
This healing, this uniting, is in the present moment because He is living and loves me right now!
It can be difficult to internalize this as we seek healing from abortion. Often it is through others that we embark upon the journey, allowing them to guide us down the path to Him. It can be painful and scary, but the assurances of those who have gone before can give us the encouragement to continue no matter how painful it may be to work through our experiences.
