I had a tough time struggling with God the Father.
Having been kicked out and abandoned by my father after getting pregnant as a teen, resulting in coerced abortion, it was next to impossible for me to believe in a father’s unconditional love. My experience with my human father, someone who was supposed to protect and love me, clouded everything. As much as I desired to believe and trust in the love of God, it was as if an iron gate guarded my heart. After all, if this man who fathered me could disown and abandon me in my deepest need why would I trust a father I could not even see to be there for me
It’s been a long road back, decades of surrender and dying to self in my quest to trust. Along the way there have been other deep hurts and betrayals that set me back, sometimes shaking what faith I managed to have to its core, but God was the longing of my heart and by His grace I somehow persevered through the pain
For the past few days social media has been buzzing with the news of the laicization of Fr. Frank Pavone. I don’t pretend to know all the circumstances, but it has been very disturbing, and I have come to recognize it as a major abortion connector not only for myself but many others.
In the end it is not really about Fr Frank or about me. It is about our God of mercy and His unconditional love. A God who would never abandon us no matter what we did. A God who sent His Son to die on the cross for our sins no matter what they may be.
I find it hard to believe this God I have come to know and trust, God our Father, would ever take Fr Pavone's priesthood away from him for the reasons vaguely stated. If it turns out there are serious grievances, it seems he would discipline us for our own salvation and we of course must admit our errors and move in contrition.
In the book "Amazing Nearness", Fr Tadeusz Dajczer. Writes of the purification of St Augustine.
"St Augustine’s purification was severe. Hippo, into which he had put so much loving effort, had collapsed. What had taken years to build was destroyed...such was the fate of one of the greatest saints and church fathers". (pg37) "Humanly speaking, everything was destroyed. Yet, God never loses; maybe the destruction of Hippo was necessary so St Augustine would find deeper union with God. Christ did not shed His Precious Blood for Hippo, He did it for His beloved Augustine."
I don’t know what God is doing or if we will ever know the entire truth of what has happened here. I do know He uses all for good in the end. Some in healing from abortion seem to fear their healing is at risk, some have even told me they may leave the church, but God’s love and mercy and forgiveness are there no matter what and God’s work will go on no matter what. He is the only one who can end abortion and He is the healer, and I am sure He has a plan even if we can’t see it.
I’m praying deeply for Fr Frank and the bishops. I am praying for discerning hearts. I am praying for our church and all those shaken to the core by this (including myself), and I am thanking God that I finally truly know God the Fathers love. The heart of a Father who never abandons us and loves us unconditionally no matter what we do. I pray Fr Frank knows that too.
