Reclaiming Our Children

Blind Stirring

If I had to name something that is more important to me than anything else, I would, without hesitation, say it is the hour I spend with Jesus in adoration each day.

It's really a miracle of His mercy that I feel this way.

I remember a time before my healing from abortion, when just the thought of being in the presence of God would throw me into a frenzy. I was certain I was doomed for what I had done and that there was no way back from the hell I was in.

One of the ploys of the devil after sin, especially serious sin, is getting us to focus on ourselves so that we live in despair. He makes us believe there is no way we could ever be forgiven and does all he can to stop us from coming to knowing Christ. He knows if we do come to know Him, we would also come to know His great love and mercy for us, so he keeps us focused on the sin, stripping us of hope. We become blind to the sacrifice of Jesus who died for our sins, even the sin of abortion, the ultimate failure of love and destruction of innocent life.

Jesus, innocent life and love Himself, subjected Himself to suffering and death to save us. He is always waiting for is in our wounds. He calls us to Himself to invite us to heal. "Come to me all you who are weary... and I will give you rest." Matthew 11:28 We are healed because of what He did, not anything we could or did do.

In the chapel where I go for adoration there is a crucifix that speaks volumes to my heart. It was made by the Sisters of Bethlehem, an order that
resides in upstate New York brought here from France by John Cardinal O'Connor specifically to pray for the Archdiocese.

The image depicts Jesus on the cross with an unknown man standing on the toes of one foot, holding Jesus up to alleviate His pain. Rather than looking burdened by the weight, the man’s face is filled with profound peace, and joy reflecting a deep love shared between them. No pain, only more love. A love that knows what the other has done for him and seeks to return that love. A blind stirring of the heart in an exchange of love. This is how I feel!

Are you hurting from a past abortion?
This love awaits you too! It has always been there; it desires your healing, your love, an exchange with you!

Be not Afraid. He is waiting for you!

I say to you, not seven times but seventy-seven times.

A reflection from 2005 on the anniversary of my dad's death

“Love One Another as I have Loved you”

I just buried my dad this past January. Those of you who know of my story will remember that he was very instrumental in my abortion.  My dad had disowned me when he learned that I was pregnant. I was around 17 years old and found myself in a situation with no money, no job and no place to live. Once out of the house, he pressured me to abort my baby and little by little my resolve was chipped away until I finally gave in.  I felt there was no “choice”.

 It was 2 years before my dad, and I spoke again. The abortion was never mentioned. On the outside, it was as if it had never happened, although inside I am sure it was never far from either of our minds. One of the hardest parts of my own healing was letting go of the anger and rage I had for my father, and learning to deal with the deep issues of abandonment. My abortion affected so many areas of my life. It was as if a poison were running through my veins. I will always remember one day when my brother-in-law who was visiting at the time turned to me and said, “Theresa, you need to let go of your anger, you need to forgive him, or it is going to kill you.” I knew he was right, but somehow holding onto to the anger meant holding on to my son.

 Many years later, through my conversion and post abortion counseling; I finally found peace with God, my unborn child and myself, however, things with my dad were still a struggle. It was as if this huge monster was present in our relationship, and we were both ignoring it even though it was blocking our view.  I truly wanted reconciliation, so I began to pray a novena to Our Lady of Czestochowa for my dad’s conversion. A part of me was still waiting for an “I’m sorry”…I can remember my sister telling me “Don’t wait, you are never going to get it…he still thinks he did not do anything wrong.”  How was that possible? At times I had to resist the urge to scream at him and let him know how I saw his dead grandson on the bed next to me…how could he not be sorry?

 Through the years different situations would make me angry with him again and I found I had to decide to forgive him all over again…with each new experience I would feel like giving up on him. He was so stubborn and unrepentant, but through the grace of God and good spiritual direction I was able to continue. I will never forget the day when my spiritual director hit me with these lines “Allow your father to make you a saint…don’t confront him with the abortion. Let him teach you forgiveness, let him teach you patience, let him teach you understanding and humility.” I can remember walking out of the friary and thinking...”Oh my gosh, how will I ever be able to do that? You are asking too much of me…how can you expect that after what he did.” But I left and prayed and prayed for the grace to do just that because I knew that was what God wanted of me.

 It was not easy…many times over the years I wanted to scream at him, and he tried my patience on many occasions, but as much as I was tempted to stop I continued the daily novena for almost 20 years.

 In the end, Our Lady of Czestochowa came through. My dad received the sacraments for the first time in over 60 years and was anointed the day before his death. I am so grateful to God, not only for my father’s salvation, but for mine. In the end, God not only used me as an instrument to bring my dad back to the church, but He used my dad to bring me closer to His heart. The lessons of patience, and forgiveness my dad taught me are things I will reflect on for a long time to come.  Instead of focusing on his failings, I was forced to look at my own weaknesses. I learned not to blame but to understand more deeply that we are all sinners in need of His mercy and as we have been forgiven, we are all called to show that mercy to others. One of the last conversations I had with my dad, was to ask him to give my son Joshua a hug for me when they met.  The miracles and mysteries of faith…

 Colossians 1:13-15 

“For he has rescued us from the dominion of darkness and brought us into the kingdom of the Son he loves, in whom we have redemption and  the forgiveness of sins. “

Rest in peace dad.

"When the light comes there is a joy of freedom"

Fr Tansi' new album "Light"

We played one of the songs "Day" at our Entering Canaan Mercy Retreat last weekend

 

Check it out! Beautiful!

Spotify – Light

 

An interview with Fr Tansi:

 

 

Allowing God to Love Us

When I was driving to work a few days ago, I was filled with joy speaking to the Lord about all He has done for me!  So often my head is filled with “just the perfect words,” but when it comes time to write them or repeat them, I have no way of imprinting them quickly enough to make them stick.

I am filled with gratitude every day for everything that the Lord has done for me.  I am truly living a totally different life than I had in my past, a life filled with peace and joy, a life I never thought possible.  A LIFE FILLED WITH GOD’S LOVE.

I was an only child whose parents separated when I was 11.  Like many people, love wasn’t something I understood but I desperately wanted to experience.  Just before my 16^th birthday, I got pregnant and my mother’s reaction was that no daughter of hers was going to have a baby at 16 and ruin her life, so, she arranged for me to have an abortion in Puerto Rico.  Soon after I returned, my knight in shining armor arrived at my doorstep to carry me away.  When I was 20, we were married and it shouldn’t surprise you that it was a disastrous marriage.  We were both so broken, so empty, so young.  At 25, we divorced and my long, dark journey continued.  I kept the little house his father had lent us a down payment for and continued to work while going to night school to get my college education.  I met another man who seemed to adore me.  He was married.  He eventually left his wife and moved in with me even though I knew I didn’t love him. For nearly 13 years, we lived together before I became pregnant again, and this time I didn’t know who the father was because I was seeing another man. When I told Bill I was pregnant, he reminded me his son was nearly grown and he wasn’t crazy about being a father again, but it was my choice.  I told my mother I was pregnant and this time she coldly said,  a child will be your responsibility for the rest of your life.  “Oh, no, I thought.  How can I have this child? I can’t do it alone.”  So I called my gynecologist and arranged for an abortion at a local hospital.  A year or so after that, depression came into my life like it never did before. I became more of the person I never believed I could be. It was as if evil had totally taken me over.  On the outside I looked wonderful, the perfectly, worldly, successful woman. On the inside, I was dead, existing in darkness. I felt like I was in a black tunnel and couldn't get out.  Soon, the outside resembled the inside. 

I rarely gave God a thought. I was brought up in a protestant family that really didn’t practice.  In 1992, someone invited me to go to a retreat at a Roman Catholic monastery in New Mexico. Something caught my attention at that retreat.  I felt safe at the  monastery.  There were people there who didn’t judge me or criticize me or want anything from me.   There was a “love” there that penetrated the air.  During the second week, I had a surprise encounter with another retreatant and spent my hours weeping about my abortions as she led me to the throne of Jesus, to meet him, to receive his forgiveness, to feel his love.  A sinful, horrid woman who had committed nearly every sin known to mankind heard my name called by the Lord.  He spoke to me!!! God spoke to this sinful woman in a voice so gentle and kind and loving. I realized that God existed. He was real!

Once I realized God’s true presence in my life, I next realized that if He forgave me, I now had to forgive myself, which wasn’t an easy task.  I learned that it was an offense to God to not accept His forgiveness.   To put in in a loving way, to receive is humility, it’s ACCEPTING.  If the Lord can forgive me than who am I to say thanks, Lord, but I’m greater than you and I know I’m the bottom of the barrel so I won’t accept your forgiveness. In saying “yes” to his invitation, I felt a strength that I never felt before. I felt peace in my life. Joy. Love. Security. Guidance. Understanding. Forgiveness. Hope. 

The only natural children I have in this life are Daniel and LaRissa.  I never can forget my abortions, but I don’t allow the forgiven sin to snatch me into Satan’s desire to convince me that I am not worthy of God’s love.  God wants to come into our Hearts.  If we say “YES” to Him, He will come and make His Home with us.  He will give us the desires of our hearts.

~Gail

 

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Are you living in darkness and depression after an abortion?
Unable to get past the pain of your loss?
There is Hope.  There is Healing.  There is a way out of the darkness.
Email us at [email protected].
Call us at 1-877-586-4621 or 1-718-881-8008. 

For more information on post abortion healing, visit the Lumina website.

The Gift of Poverty

There is one thing I know for sure. You cannot do this work without being under attack much of the time. I guess it is the same with any work where souls are involved. Healing of one soul often leads to a domino effect where countless souls return to God. Something I am sure Satan does not like.

I am not going to lie, it is very difficult sometimes, and when I am in the midst of an attack coming from every side, it can become hard to hold on. Like Peter in the storm, I begin to panic and start to sink. A sure sign I have taken my eyes off of Him.  I have been there enough times to know I just need to ride it out, to stay faithful, in spite of what I am feeling, but in the middle of the storm my emotions often take over and instead of “being still” I often bounce around. Thank God, like with Peter he comes to save me "of such little faith".

I have begun a new prayer. A prayer of gratitude for my poverty in all its forms. In money, in material possessions, in support, in hiddenness, all of our poverty. Satan uses that poverty to try to get me to believe the work is not blessed, but I have come to see, that in fact, it is the complete opposite.

In spite of how small we are, countless numbers of women, men and siblings are aided in their healing every year. Our trainings and talks, web site etc, reach thousands but mostly, the truth is, I do not really know how many He touches, and, it is not my business. I do not need to know. All I need is to keep focused on doing His will for me day by day.

Still, the devil knows how to push our buttons and I must admit there are times when it is hard to hear of organizations bringing in millions, or those who have a ton of support, yet, He is teaching me, my poverty is a gift from Him. A huge gift.

Recently, I have begun a new daily prayer of gratitude for this poverty, (even if I am not “feeling “grateful). A gift of poverty that constantly teaches me, all that matters is that I do His will because in the end, as Mother Theresa said, it is only about me & Him.

A gift that keeps me aware of my dependence on Him daily in everything, knowing that perhaps if not, I would think it was me!

A gift that teaches me to empty myself so that He can act.  A gift that hides me from many of the things I am sure would be displeasing to Him because it keeps my “self” in check.  A gift that keeps me knowing that without Him I can do nothing. A gift that keeps me on the floor in the bathroom the day of my healing years ago where His mercy touched me…the place no one can take from me and where He joined me to Him forever. A gift of watching lives heal and return to Him to find joy again.

A gift that reminds me of what Saint Claude de la Colombiere said in this prayer:

Lord, I am in this world to show Your mercy to others.
Other people will glorify You
by making visible the power of Your grace
by their fidelity and constancy to You.
For my part I will glorify You
by making known how good You are to sinners,
that Your mercy is boundless
and that no sinner no matter how great his offences
should have reason to despair of pardon.
If I have grievously offended You, My Redeemer,
let me not offend You even more
by thinking that You are not kind enough to pardon Me.

Amen.

 

Thank you, Lord, for the gift of poverty in all its forms. Help me to cling to you daily and to keep my eyes on you every second of my life. Protect me from the enemy and from myself. Lord, I know that you love me, help me to manifest that love and mercy to others so that they too can come to know You in their poverty.

TB