A reflection from 2005 on the anniversary of my dad's death
“Love One Another as I have Loved you”
I just buried my dad this past January. Those of you who know of my story will remember that he was very instrumental in my abortion. My dad had disowned me when he learned that I was pregnant. I was around 17 years old and found myself in a situation with no money, no job and no place to live. Once out of the house, he pressured me to abort my baby and little by little my resolve was chipped away until I finally gave in. I felt there was no “choice”.
It was 2 years before my dad, and I spoke again. The abortion was never mentioned. On the outside, it was as if it had never happened, although inside I am sure it was never far from either of our minds. One of the hardest parts of my own healing was letting go of the anger and rage I had for my father, and learning to deal with the deep issues of abandonment. My abortion affected so many areas of my life. It was as if a poison were running through my veins. I will always remember one day when my brother-in-law who was visiting at the time turned to me and said, “Theresa, you need to let go of your anger, you need to forgive him, or it is going to kill you.” I knew he was right, but somehow holding onto to the anger meant holding on to my son.
Many years later, through my conversion and post abortion counseling; I finally found peace with God, my unborn child and myself, however, things with my dad were still a struggle. It was as if this huge monster was present in our relationship, and we were both ignoring it even though it was blocking our view. I truly wanted reconciliation, so I began to pray a novena to Our Lady of Czestochowa for my dad’s conversion. A part of me was still waiting for an “I’m sorry”…I can remember my sister telling me “Don’t wait, you are never going to get it…he still thinks he did not do anything wrong.” How was that possible? At times I had to resist the urge to scream at him and let him know how I saw his dead grandson on the bed next to me…how could he not be sorry?
Through the years different situations would make me angry with him again and I found I had to decide to forgive him all over again…with each new experience I would feel like giving up on him. He was so stubborn and unrepentant, but through the grace of God and good spiritual direction I was able to continue. I will never forget the day when my spiritual director hit me with these lines “Allow your father to make you a saint…don’t confront him with the abortion. Let him teach you forgiveness, let him teach you patience, let him teach you understanding and humility.” I can remember walking out of the friary and thinking...”Oh my gosh, how will I ever be able to do that? You are asking too much of me…how can you expect that after what he did.” But I left and prayed and prayed for the grace to do just that because I knew that was what God wanted of me.
It was not easy…many times over the years I wanted to scream at him, and he tried my patience on many occasions, but as much as I was tempted to stop I continued the daily novena for almost 20 years.
In the end, Our Lady of Czestochowa came through. My dad received the sacraments for the first time in over 60 years and was anointed the day before his death. I am so grateful to God, not only for my father’s salvation, but for mine. In the end, God not only used me as an instrument to bring my dad back to the church, but He used my dad to bring me closer to His heart. The lessons of patience, and forgiveness my dad taught me are things I will reflect on for a long time to come. Instead of focusing on his failings, I was forced to look at my own weaknesses. I learned not to blame but to understand more deeply that we are all sinners in need of His mercy and as we have been forgiven, we are all called to show that mercy to others. One of the last conversations I had with my dad, was to ask him to give my son Joshua a hug for me when they met. The miracles and mysteries of faith…
Colossians 1:13-15
“For he has rescued us from the dominion of darkness and brought us into the kingdom of the Son he loves, in whom we have redemption and the forgiveness of sins. “
Rest in peace dad.
