In an anonymous post from years ago, “I Owe My Life to My Mother’s Abortion”, the common feelings and conflicts of those who have lost a sibling to abortion are reflected.
The complexities of the thoughts and feelings surrounding the knowledge of a sibling’s termination are just coming to the surface as we offer hope and healing to those experiencing this loss.
It is not uncommon for surviving siblings to defend their mother’s decision as this woman does. “I’m embarrassed to admit that the admission shocked and shook me,” she states, as if having feelings about her sibling is unacceptable. She then goes on to rationalize her mom's decision in an attempt to make the abortion ok running through a litany of “what ifs”, and asking if the child would have loved her mom as much as she does. But, perhaps most upsetting is the statement, “Nor could I imagine her alternative life if she hadn’t had the abortion – a life that didn’t involve me.”
It is hard for most of us to imagine what it would feel like to question your very existence due to something as horrific as abortion. It has to be heart-wrenching to find out that the woman who is your mom, who protects and defends you in life, actually took the life of a brother or sister. The quest to understand how this could be is a reasonable reaction. This is your mom whom you love.
What those facing this new knowledge need to learn is, that they can understand what happened and why, they can forgive and show mercy and love, but they do not have to condone the abortion. It is a tough one, especially when you think your very existence is in question, as most post-abortive siblings do.
Over the past fourteen years, Lumina has conducted Entering Canaan retreat days for the siblings of aborted babies and will be holding one the weekend of April 5-7th. We are constantly learning from those who come to us about the many complexities of the impact of abortion on their lives. One manifestation is that the very identity and value of those who attend is always questioned. One of our siblings shared, “… after many years of practicing my Catholic faith, I read an interview with Theresa in a newsletter written by the Sisters of Life, where she mentioned Lumina’s Sibling Retreat. I thought about my siblings deeply for the first time…ever. It hit me that had any of them been born; I would not have been “the eldest” but the second youngest. The more I thought about, the more I felt a certain identity crisis.”
The profound impact of the choice of abortion on countless people is often ignored in our society. We are quick to choose sides of pro life or pro choice but those who are living with its consequences often see it as more complex than that. “I should note here that I am unequivocally, adamantly pro-choice. But I’ve never reacted with outrage at people who are anti-abortion…I think that, in addition to ignorance on women’s rights, they are looking at abortion as a simple moral choice: for life or against it…but my mother’s choice and the choice of those like her, complicates this simple paradigm. But as complicated as it is, it has, in many ways, deepened my relationship and understanding of her. Just how many people like me owe our lives to abortion?”
The answer, of course, is none. Life is a gift from God who created and knew us all in our mother’s wombs. The act of abortion, while we can understand why it occurs at times, is never justifiable, but stories like this only show all the more the harm it causes. It is not an either/or concerning hers or her sibling’s life, as she and countless others imagine. Her value and dignity comes from God, as does the value and dignity of her aborted sibling. Both are precious in His sight and in ours as we seek to bring His healing presence to those affected.
