A reflection from one of the women on our Entering Canaan pilgrimage to Poland.
By Anonymous
For almost 30 years, the fact that I had had an abortion was a secret known to only five people on earth – myself, my baby’s father, my mother, my husband (who didn’t come along until many years later), and my confessor priest. I was a young, single professional and, if I wanted to, I had the means to raise my baby on my own. But I didn’t.
I felt very strongly that my baby needed a father in his or her life. Since that was not to be (because I never saw my baby’s father again after he insisted, I have an abortion), I turned to my mother to help me push the “reset” button on my life. I wasn’t thinking I was carrying a child, that I was declining the miracle of being a mother, and that I could trust God to help me be a good one. Instead, I gave into fear, doubt and shame that I was so stupid that I got pregnant outside of marriage. All I wanted to do was go on with my life, as if my unintended pregnancy never happened. For my mother and I, it never did.
Pushing the “Reset” Button
For over 30 years, we never spoke a word about it, and I got what I wanted --- my life “reset.”
Eventually, I met and married my husband, we had three wonderful kids, who are now grown, and we live well.
Yet, my abortion experience --- and the gravity of the sin of what I had done – was “triggered” when our local Delegate made national news by introducing a bill, ironically called, “The Women’s Health Initiative,” which was, basically, legalizing infanticide. As my kids would say, I “freaked out,” when I heard her on the news, coldly answer “yes” in testimony, to questions like, “so if a baby at 40-weeks, is in the birth canal, your bill would allow a woman to have an abortion?” Yes. The footage played in a seemingly endless loop in the 24/7 news cycle, putting the spotlight on this newly elected (and otherwise insignificant) Virginia Delegate. This media attention wasn’t because her bill was so monstrous (which it was) but because her bill was lauded as a bold leap forward for “reproductive rights,” and women’s freedom. Disgusting, IMHO.
I was a mess! My kids had no idea why (and I was in no state of mind to tell them either.) I needed to do something to help me work through this pain; and I found my way to Project Rachel. I was relieved that I was not “alone,” and enjoyed great fellowship with women of Faith who shared this horrible and life-changing experience. I remain grateful to Project Rachel for all that they do in His Name to heal the post-abortive and for promoting Entering Canaan’s healing pilgrimage to Poland.
Entering Canaan’s Healing Pilgrimage to Poland – More Than Just a “Nice Trip”
About a month before going to Poland, my mother and I had a serious falling out --- not over my
abortion -- far from it! As I said, neither of us have spoken a word about it since it happened over thirty years ago. After she screamed and hung up on me (for the first time ever in my life) over something I honestly don’t know, she had not spoken a word to me even though two of her only three grandchildren (my kids) had graduations after my return. This silence has been extremely painful, and going to Poland,
this rift with my mom (who for decades was my best and sometimes, only friend) was on my heart. I went to Poland expecting just to have a “nice trip,” something --- at the end of the pilgrimage the priest who was our Spiritual Director, said should not be our only take away. A pilgrimage is more than just “a nice trip” --- it changes you.
He was right. I received many graces that have changed me, and I’d like to
share some relating to forgiveness – forgiveness of my mother and of myself.
A Woman at the Well Moment on a Bus Ride to Czestochowa
Whenever we had long bus rides, Father graciously made himself available for anyone to chat, about anything. Taking him up on his offer, I said I was “blocked” in my relationship with God as “the Father.”(Yes, I have deep “father issues,” too. Suffice it to say, my broken relationship with my abusive father has always colored my image of God as a loving father.) Father asked, “Have you asked Jesus to remove this blockage?” “No, I can’t,” I said.“Why?” Father asked.I replied, “Because I am afraid He will cast me out.” To that, Father, kindly, but immediately said, “That’s a lie. And you know that.” Wow. A real Woman at the Well moment. With the same and love and directness I imagine Jesus had with St. Photina, Father “called me out,” on my “B.S.” -- that I could not trust Jesus to heal me if I sincerely asked, and that He would “cast me out,” as my own mother had.Father said there can be no healing without forgiveness. If I want to be healed, I was invited to pray on forgiveness. It can’t be rushed or forced, but you need to ask to be able to forgive before full healing can occur. However, do not to conflate forgiveness with reconciliation. Just because I might forgive my mother, for example, that didn’t necessarily mean we could return to our usual routine.Forgiveness, as I understood from what Father said to me, is a turning of one’s own heart, regardless of what anyone else does or says. You know what the other person did was wrong, and you’re not giving them a “pass” for that wrong. Instead, you release the other person so they “owe” you nothing – for whatever hurt they caused (or you think they caused). You release them to be who they are and to do what they do. Meanwhile, (and this was most important for me), you release yourself from the bondage of needing anything from them --- an apology, getting revenge, validation, and so on. You are released and so are they. Therein, lies true freedom and peace.
Recalling my Hidden Experience --- Going Deep
With my relationship with my mother at the forefront of my mind, during the pilgrimage, I prayed a lot about that day of my abortion and my mother “fixing” my “situation.” My mother convinced me to immediately to disappear from work (out of state) to come home to have the procedure, as if she would be there with me and help me cope. Yet, it was up to me to find the right kind of clinic -- and there were several I walked out of because I was horrified at what I saw. Once I found one, I had to drive myself to and from the procedure --- alone. My mother said she was “busy with work,” so no one was in the waiting room “waiting” for me or prop me up, at least physically, in walking out the door. Afterward, I was by myself in limping to my car and driving home, regardless of the physical effects of the anesthesia or the emotional effects of what I had just done. As is common for those of her “Silent Generation,” my mom lived by the belief that if you conceal a problem well enough, that problem never existed. Concealment and secrecy were the order of the day.
Once I got back to my mother’s house (she was living with my grandmother), I holed up in a makeshift bedroom that was once a closet with a small bed. She told me, “Say nothing to your grandmother. I’ll tell her you can’t come out because you’ve got the flu. And when you’re ready to go (back to my job far away), just go.”
My mother snuck sanitary pads, food, and antibiotics into my little cave. I don’t remember how I lived or disposed of things while I was hiding – everything was a blur. All I can recall now is that the presence of blood and pain were things I had to ignore and cover up -- which I did, emotionally, for thirty plus years.
JP II’s Blood-Stained Sash offered to Our Lady of Czestochowa
Among the many amazing things I beheld (not just saw) in Poland, was the bloodstained Papal sash of Saint Pope John Paull II (“JP II” for brevity; no disrespect intended). His sash, worn during the assassination attempt in St. Peter’s Square in 1981. It is a votive offering he made to Our Lady--- very quietly and without fanfare, many years after the attempt on his life, according to our guide. (See below).
I recalled that JP II met with and publicly forgave Mehmet Ali Agca for the attempt on his life. JP II asked people to"pray for my brother] ... whom I have sincerely forgiven.” 1 (Holy See defers to courts on possible release of would-be Papal assassin. Catholic News Agency.
Vatican City. 9 January 2006.)
Pope John Paul II visits with Mehmet Ali Agca in a Rome prison Dec. 27, 1983.
Their meeting came two years after Agca was arrested for shooting the pontiff in St. Peter Square. The pope publicly forgave his assailant. In 2000, Italy pardoned Agca and returned him to his homeland, Turkey. (CNS file photo by Arturo Mari) Source: https://slmedia.org/blog/jp-ii-we-love-you-pope-john-paul-ii-forgives-his-would-be-assassin I never understood how JP II could do that! How can someone forgive another who has so much hatred, that they attempt to take your life? After our guide pointed out the sash -- among the other sacred objects on the altar of Our Lady -- I became fixated on seeing it in person as much as possible.
I rose before 5 AM (unusual for me) in Czestochowa just so I could get to the Shrine for the 6AM “unveiling” and be near enough to the altar to see JPII’s sash.
The significance of this first class relic struck me in several profound ways. There was the obvious fact that JP II’s blood made a permanent stain in an otherwise pure white Papal sash. In the same way, experiencing abortion permanently stains the purity of a parent’s love for their child. The contrast was striking, tragic, and could never be concealed.
Additionally, I mentioned before JPII’s sash was his votive offering to Our Lady --- perhaps in gratitude for her protection, her healing, and her blessing of his Papacy to continue as long as it did. JP II is a great Marian Saint. By offering of his sash, JP II also offered to her the pain from his nearly fatal wounds. Our Lady understood his wounds (as well as those of the whole world) because she bears many of her own. So, how did he have the ability to forgive? I believe it was through total reliance on her intercession with Her Son, and trust in her – Totus Tuus! He gave himself totally over to her care, to be the perfect instrument in Her hands. As Her instrument, JP II could do nothing but forgive, as Her Son, Jesus Christ forgives. Our Lady always points us toward Her Son, who, she knows painfully well, bled for our sins and forgave his enemies as he did so.
I had a revelation that if JPII could forgive a man who tried to kill him, I could forgive my mother who was unable to respond in a way I needed. I released her from failing to guide me out of my confusion and protect my baby --- her grandchild. I released her from my need for her to be there for me on that awful day. I forgave her from failing to validate my emerging grief years later, or show any empathy for my suffering and loss. My forgiveness was unconditional, and – as Father said --- she “owed” me nothing in return.
As I forgave my mom, I released myself from needing more from her than she could give. I released myself from constantly seeking her approval and validation – things I always wanted but now realize I would never receive. As my counselor said, “;Now you can stop going to the well because it is completely dry”; Then I looked up John 4:13-14.
Jesus answered and said to her, “Everyone who drinks this water will be thirsty again; but whoever drinks the water I shall give will never thirst; the water I shall give will become in him a spring of water welling up to eternal life. By giving my life to Christ, through devotion to Mary, I should never be thirsty again.
Also, when His Blessed Mother adopted me as her own at the foot of her Son’s cross (John 19:26), they both shared in my suffering. Together, they were always with me. I was never alone – driving my car that miserable day, grieving my loss over thirty years later, and loving me for all eternity. “I am with you always, to the end of the age” (Mt. 28:20).
Forgiveness Does Not Mean We’re Ready to “Do Lunch” Yet
When Entering Canaan’s pilgrimage ended, I flew from Krakow directly to my oldest’s college town for graduation. What got me through seeing my mom, after not speaking for over a month, and enjoying the weekend as family, was silently repeating a simple prayer to myself that Father gave us on the pilgrimage. This prayer would help me gracefully endure whatever family drama she might create and show up with love, as Jesus would.
Jesus, give me your compassion, your forgiveness, your love, and your mercy for . . . whoever.
When we saw each other, we hugged, made light conversation over meals with the kids, and overall, had a pleasant weekend. I gave her a fine piece of amber jewelry that Poland is known for, as well as a small replica of Our Lady’s icon – a “dog-whistle” about why I went to Poland and had to see the real icon in person. If my mom Googles “Our Lady of Czestochowa,” it is highly likely Theresa’s article/s will come up that Our Lady is the Patroness of Entering Canaan and the Post-Abortive.
Regardless of whether my mom picks-up on my nuanced meaning behind my gift, what matters is that I made a gesture of goodwill to express my unconditional forgiveness. How she responded was completely up to her, and not “on me.”
She never once said, “I’m sorry we haven’t spoken.” “I’m sorry if I hurt you with my silence.” Or, even, “How are you?” as if she cared anything about my well-being (which, sadly, I suspect, she does not.) But, it doesn’t matter! I am free of needing any of those things that she will never offer. For my mom and I to reconcile and “go back” to our daily phone chats, a lot more work from us both, time, prayer, and grace from above, are necessary. As Father said, “you can’t force it.” You can’t force your healing, or reconciliation that is based on that healing. Meanwhile, I had forgiven her and showed up with the love of Christ -- and that is all He asks.
Conclusion --- Totus Tuus!
In the time that has passed since my oldest’s college graduation, my mom has still not communicated with me. She also missed my youngest’s high school graduation, thereafter, without a word. I refuse to try to assess the intent behind her silence, although the impact is that it hurts to be “cast out” by your own mother, for reasons known only to her.
However, Our Lady adopted us as Her children while she witnessed Her Son’s crucifixion. When She did, she witnessed our suffering and entered into it, along with Her Son. Even so, she continues to love us totally! In return, we can safely devote ourselves entirely to Jesus Christ through Her in the same way --
Totally Yours!
Totus Tuus
Immaculate Conception,
Mary my Mother,
Live in me. Act in me.
Speak in me and through me.
Think your thoughts in my mind.
Love through my heart.
Give me your dispositions and feelings,
Teach, lead me and
guide me to Jesus.
Correct, enlighten and expand my
Thoughts and behavior.
Possess my soul.
Take over my entire personality and
life, replace it with Yourself.
Incline me to constant adoration.
Pray in me and through me.
Let me live in you and keep
Me in this union always.
Amen - St JPII