Fr Ben Cameron's book on healing from abortion
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Fr Ben Cameron's book on healing from abortion
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It has been my experience that when I am deeply hurt my heart becomes like a pressure cooker. I feel the need to vent, to get it out, and to be understood.
It can be so hard to put on Christ, not to get resentful and bitter and keep choosing to forgive as I know Christ would like me to. It is easy to get drawn into sin,to speak uncharitably about the source of my hurt and even in the midst of opening my mouth when I feel my guardian angel prompting me to close it , the words often just keep coming out. I choose love of “self” over the love of God, or, as St Paul tells us in Romans : "For I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate.
Of course, I always feel terrible after and make new resolutions not get drawn into the trap of sin, but unfortunately I often find myself in the same place, then filled with contrition for having fallen once again. I have given away a space for Gods love to satisfy my “self” but, of course, it never does. I always end up feeling worse.
Our wounds play a big part in our walking with Jesus and Mary. It is hard to break habits we may have been in the darkness about for years and if the hurts keep coming from same source it sometimes feels impossible to get beyond your “self” who seems to be crying out for survival.
The truth is we can’t do it without the grace of God. We are too weak, too wounded, unable to move past or offer up the suffering without Their help.
And so once again I run to His fountain of His mercy in the Sacrament of Reconciliation. I express my true sorrow and promise to try once again. I will also try to keep myself from situations ( avoid the near occasions of sin)where this may happen and if it does, quickly hide under Mary’s mantle asking her assistance to do Gods will
Life is a fight against our “self”, but it is also an acceptance of that wounded part of my self with all its weaknesses, brokenness and failings and laying it before them. Mary accompanies us and willingly provides what we need. May we stay in Their presence imploring Their assistance as we travel the road to Canaan.
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I have been having quite the spiritual experience in the past months. It has been very painful but very beautiful as well. A journey through the dark asking me to trust and go deeper.
I was awoken in the middle of the night last night with the words of a song in my head, "Waiting in the Wound" by Michael & Jessie Corsini.
“You were waiting in the wound that I hid from you”
The next thing I saw in my minds eye was one of those paper people they use in target practice, but it did not have one or two wounds, it had tons of holes shot all over it. It was a mass of holes. I felt it was me…but it was ok.
A realization came over me that the abortion/abandonment is the big wound I have but it is the cumulation of countless wounds … the other wounds of my life being unwanted by my parents, always feeling like a burden, never being made to feel loved or valued from the day I was born...the abortion was just the manifestation of all the other wounds that I was born with. The abandonment did not happen at the abortion, it was always there because I never felt nurtured or loved. (I didn’t feel anything negative regarding my parents, I have forgiven them already and know they too had countless wounds although I do not know what they all were).
Anyway, there I was in this paper image shot up with hundreds of wounds through me, but I did not feel abandoned. I felt loved and light. I saw the body of Christ on the cross next to me with all its wounds and I somehow felt like I fit in to it. Like I could lay on top of it and it was consuming me. Fire and light.
He may have been always there, but He was bringing me deeper into Him. Deeper and deeper.
I have been feeling a lot lately like I am being prepared for battle. A battle in the abortion realm. I do not know what kind of a battle it will be or how it is going to be played out. Will it be spiritual, more prayers, sacrifices, offerings etc. Will it be in confronting and calling out the evil through articles, speaking etc. I have no idea, but I feel probably a little of it all and probably some that I have no idea of yet.
I have been feeling a lot in prayer Christ telling me He thirsts for souls. Souls lost because of abortion. Not just the souls that come seeking healing, but now especially calling me to the souls like the one at the rosary procession I went to a couple of weeks ago who held the sing “I ain’t sorry” sign, I was so drawn to her that day by God. Or the Lady Ga Gas of the world, who are so far away and suffering but do not even know it. Or whoever made that demonic video for Planned Parenthood of the beautiful baby girl justifying killing her. I feel I am being prepared for those souls who seem to have no desire for healing but Christ has a desire for them.
Posted at 08:28 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)
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"Being apostles of mercy means touching and soothing the wounds that today afflict the bodies and souls of many of our brothers and sisters.”
“Curing these wounds, we profess Jesus, we make him present and alive; we allow others, who touch his mercy with their own hands, to recognize him as ‘Lord and God.’” -Pope Francis (DM Sunday 4.16)
The Fruit of the Heart
Saint Faustina Kowalska's diary, Divine Mercy in My Soul, tells of words spoken to her by Christ: that were instrumental in my journey to healing.
“Let the greatest sinners place their trust in My mercy. They have the right before others to trust in the abyss of My mercy. My daughter, write about My mercy towards tormented souls. Souls that make an appeal to My mercy delight Me. To such souls I grant even more graces than asked. I cannot punish even the greatest sinner if he makes an appeal to My compassion, but on the contrary, I justify him in My unfathomable and inscrutable mercy. “
I know that this is true. This unfathomable encounter with Mercy changes us forever and calls us to action.
In the words of Pope Francis “Mission is not fruit of a program or agenda. Rather it is the fruit of hearts who themselves have known Divine Mercy.”
I can't help but reflect on the fruit of my heart that has been blessed, in spite of my terrible sinfulness, to know intimately the Divine Mercy of God.
With the realization of the great gift of healing I was given by God, and the freedom it bestowed on me from shame, guilt, anxiety and a host of other issues, came the desire to make known the availability of His mercy for others suffering as I had. I knew that mercy was there, not just for me, but for everyone.
And so, the Entering Canaan Ministry was born with the support of the Sisters of Life, based on my healing experience. As the Israelites made their way to the Promised Land God promised he would always be with them as they faced the many battles they needed to go through reach their destination. So too, with healing from abortion.
Using the challenges I faced in my own healing journey and the means I used to work through them both spiritually and psychologically, the ministry was formed. It is as multi faceted as life itself, not done in one swift swoop but as with the Israelites, through a journey of suffering and healing into the heart of Christ who reveals His love, mercy and forgiveness and aides us along the way. Through trust in this tangible Mercy which He freely gives, we find the courage to continue each time we are tempted to quit or give up hope. We are called to believe even when all belief seems impossible.
This experience of personal healing called us to pave a way for others who were suffering because we knew the graces were there for each of them as well. It has been amazing to watch His mercy touch countless souls over the years and heal them to the core of their being as Entering Canaan continues to grow across the country and the world.
Of course, “Entering Canaan” is not the only ministry to do this, but God’s mercy is the same in each. That "fruit of the heart" which has known Mercy intimately, and then shares it with others who know through personal experience, the hope of healing given through Christ.
Entering Canaan was named to be a “journey” into the Promised Land. A road to the merciful love of Christ which would free those who came to us, not only from their sin of abortion, but bring them to a lasting relationship with Christ, the only true healer.
As companions on this journey, I always see our role as loving them into the arms of Jesus. We work in the heart of Jesus which is the heart of the ministry. We dwell and act in that heart which is then, by His grace, reflected to those we serve. We invite them to take the risk and step out in faith promising to be with them the entire way, no matter how long it takes. We value their individual journey and the healing they need. We pray that they could depend on us to be there for them as they face their demons of abortion and learn the very real dynamics of post abortion stress helping them to move through the pain to an understanding of the love of God while giving them the tools they need to heal. Of course, this includes sending them to priests and professional counselors, as we see the need, but we’re always there, encouraging and supporting them.
I know what it is like to step out on that journey. I often say, “if you want to know what hell is like, ask someone who is post abortive”. They know what hell is like. They live in it each and every day. There is constant pain, depression, struggles to temptations of all kinds: despair, drugs, sex, violence; the list goes on and on. That complete darkness, loneliness, feeling abandoned, unloved and lovable; feeling unforgivable, no worth and even worse, feeling evil and alienated from life in spite of what you have made it look like to others. Feeling like there is no way back and being doomed to hell forever. Such is the post abortive world for those who suffer.
Through the invitation to this journey, we step into this world with them. We ask them to take a huge risk, to step out into the darkness with a promise of hope. A promise that God is there loving them and listening to their pleas. They may not able to hear Him or feel Him but we do, and we will keep telling them what He is saying until they are able to hear Him themselves.
It can be a huge risk for those who may have felt abandoned by the people who supposedly loved them. But it is a beautiful journey whose promise is fulfilled when traveled the way God intended, full of many emotions, ups and downs, often times consuming, but eventually leading to the love and mercy that saves us from our sins.
This is why I love the saying, “Take up the Joyful Call of Mercy.” This joyful call found at the foot of the cross where we surrender our misery in trust, and allow Christ to fill our deep wounds.
This joyful embrace, that uses our worst sin to bring us back to Him and our own aborted children to teach us of Christ’s love and mercy.
Many for the first time, learn they are loved and so are able to begin to trust in God and His love for them. We strive to be a sign of God’s love for them. Abortion is not who they are, but something they did. Each soul entrusted to us is unique and valuable
We are all sinners in need of His mercy. We can never make up for our abortions, but the beautiful thing is we do not have to because He already has.
I have learned the journey does not end in this life. It can sometimes be very difficult doing this work. There are many spiritual battles and attacks, but it is through this same fruit of the heart , this intimate exchange with God, that I persevere. It is mine to cling to, to trust, to grow into deeper union with, and to continue to spread the message of redemption.
The book of Joshua (21:43:45), tells of the end of the journey.
"And so the Lord gave Israel all the land He had sworn to their fathers he would give them. Once they had conquered and occupied it, the Lord gave them peace on every side, just as He had promised their fathers.
Not one of their enemies could withstand then; the Lord brought all their enemies under their power. Not a single promise that the Lord made to the House of Israel was broken; every one was fulfilled."
Jesus we trust in you!
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“We are not the sum of our weaknesses and failures, we are the sum of the Father's love for us and our real capacity to become the image of His Son Jesus.” ― St. John Paul II
You can call me post abortive. I don’t mind. I am secure enough in both my healing and my relationship with God to know that my abortion is something I did, not who I am, but I am a woman living “post” an abortion experience.
Abortion does not define me. I know I am a child of God. I know He loves me and forgives me, and I have dignity and worth, yet, it certainly is the one thing that has impacted my life more than any other.
I am living “post abortion”, and that major life event has influenced many other aspects of life like no other. Sometimes it still does, even in the present moment, and that is okay. I trust in His perfect will.
Does that mean I am not healed? No. It just means it is a wound that I will carry with me to heaven. A wound that still sometimes gets in the way of how I think and act in the present, making me pause to be sure my reactions are not from the trauma of abortion I experienced in the past.
God accepts me where I am in every moment. In the good moments and the bad. In the joys, the sorrows, and in the sufferings, He allows me to experience. One striking aspect for me is the deep pain of abandonment reflecting my abortion experience of being kicked out of my family because I was pregnant. A time when I needed them most
Perhaps God allows this so I will never forget my need of Him or that He never abandoned me but is always there waiting for me in that place of pain when it comes up. Can He take it away? Of course He can. But if it is His will for me to have it pop up now and again, I trust it is for my good. A reminder that I am healed because of Him and what He has done, not anything I have or can do. A dependence on Him and His will, and even a place of our deepest intimacy.
For many of us who have experienced abortion dependence can be a difficult feat. Lost in the trauma of our experiences many women come out of it not wanting to have to need anyone, even God. But that is not healing, that is self-reliance, instead of depending on the One who saves us. The One who experienced total abandonment on the cross so that we can find Him there in the nothingness of our own abandonment.
In the end, it is important to recognize that the trauma of abortion is something that will probably stay with you all your life to some degree. That does not mean you do not have dignity or worth any more than meditating on the Passion of Christ or looking at His wounds takes away His dignity.
We are not the sum of our weaknesses and failures, we are the sum of the Father's love for us and our real capacity to become the image of His Son Jesus.” ― Pope John Paul II
Yes, I am not the sum of my weakness and failures, including my abortion but it is certainly in the equation that brings me to the sum of the Father’s love for me so I can become the image of Jesus.
Sometimes that image may be on the cross, wounded and bloody the place of His total abandonment and the place of our redemption.
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There is a beautiful Eucharist Prayer in our faith that says this: “God of love and mercy, You are always ready to forgive, we are sinners and You invite us to trust in Your mercy.” He does not force us, He tells us it is there for us and extends an invitation. It is up to us if we accept it or not.
Mary had been to confession multiple times before she came to our “Entering Canaan” post abortion ministry retreat, she often shared, “I have confessed my abortion so many times, but I just do not feel forgiven.” It is not unusual for someone who has been involved in an abortion to voice those feelings despite having gone to confession. They do not feel the forgiveness, or the “mercy” of God. In fact, more often than not, an abortion will be confessed over and over again.
As human beings, so much of what we believe is based on our feelings which very often may not reflect truth. Being forgiven and “feeling” forgiven are two very different things. Part of the problem is being unable to forgive yourself, the other, I believe, is an inability to accept that walking into a confessional and telling a priest about your abortion, and then receiving a penance of three or three thousand Hail Mary’s ,will somehow equate to forgiveness for participating in the death of your own child. It just seems way too easy, and it is.
We can never make up for our abortions, and three or three thousand Hail Mary’s is not going to do it. Neither is speaking out, working in ministry or praying in front of clinics, (which does not mean any of these should not be done, or make any of them bad). There is only one thing that atones for the sin of abortion (or for that matter, any sin), and that is the death, resurrection and ascension of Jesus Christ, and the healing we receive through His gift of mercy freely given to us.
Mary Ellen says it this way, “At first “mercy” was just a word, an idea, which in my mind vaguely was synonymous with compassion and forgiveness. I heard it in the prayers and blessings at the Gatherings I attended. But, I heard it constantly. Every piece of writing from the “Entering Canaan” post abortion ministry echoed the word Mercy. Over the years, without my knowing it, the word Mercy became for me a kind of mantra, something to hold onto in the dark. It began to work on me without my knowing it.”
“Something to hold onto in the dark”, avoid of feelings. A trusting, and a knowing, a choosing to believe in this mercy we have been invited to trust in. Believing that somehow our “feelings” are a gage of our forgiveness can be misleading. Someone can go on a retreat and feel totally forgiven because they are experiencing a spiritual high, however, as the days go on and the old familiar tapes of despair begin to play again the stinking thinking of abortion can once again begin. “Oh, He healed everyone else on that weekend but not me. My sin must be worse, or He loves and forgave her but not me.” The truth however, is that if you went to confession and received forgiveness, you are forgiven!
As Mary Ellen says so well, “I am learning Mercy, because it is a process and a journey into the kind of deep love and forgiveness of myself — and others — that I can only begin to grasp. From my beginning, almost neutral experience with Mercy as a simple word, it has evolved in my life experience as a tangible and effective tool, an action verb that I have learned can more quickly than I ever imagined, bring a swift conclusion to the obsessive dark voice that would grind my spirit with self-recrimination and unbelief. Be gone Satan!” “Mercy is a way of life, and it is life changing. Now whenever darkness calls, I choose Mercy and life.”
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I had a dream that I was in a room or a church that was full of people singing a hymn. I didn’t know the words but the melody was familiar. Because of my comfort with the music, I was able to learn the words easily and soon found I was singing along with the rest of the congregation. Then, the telephone rang and my dream was over. It was one of the Sisters calling to tell me about our next group “Gathering” for post abortion healing. This connection after my dream left me thinking about the last three years.
The “Entering Canaan” ministry was the vehicle that changed my life from despair to hope. This hope constantly amazes and sustains me. It keeps me from going back to that dark place that was home to me for such a long time.
After the birth of each of my sons, I experienced post-partum depression. It was especially bad after the birth of my second child. For almost three years, post-partum depression crippled me, leaving me barely able to function as a wife and mother. It was a very trying time in our family that put a serious strain on my marriage, but, gradually, I came to see the light at the end of that dark tunnel.
By January of 1979, I found myself in a better place than I thought was possible. My spirits were lifting and I was beginning to feel like the old me again, then, I became pregnant. My husband was sure that I would develop post-partum depression again, so he threatened to leave me unless I terminated the pregnancy. There were serious misgivings on my part. I truly believed that abortion was murder but he believed that it was just a “clump of cells”. I never told him I believed abortion was very wrong because the nagging fear of being left to raise my children alone was stronger than my fear of having an abortion.
We consulted with the obstetrician, who convinced us that abortion would be the simplest solution. In my desperation, I believed him and aborted my child in March of 1979. The obstetrician was wrong. The depression I sought to avoid was soon worse than ever before, and added to that was the guilt and shame over having had an abortion. I soon became so overwhelmed, depressed and suicidal that the psychiatrist I went to suggested hospitalization. I was admitted to a psychiatric unit of a major New York hospital for three months. Therapy, antidepressants, shock treatment and anti-psychotic drugs followed. None of it worked but somehow I functioned after being released from the hospital.
In December of that same year, around the time that my baby would have been born, my husband, died of a heart attack. It was almost eight months since he had threatened to leave me unless I terminated my pregnancy. Now he was gone, my unborn baby was gone, and I was left alone to raise our two children who were three and eight years old. I was certain God was punishing me for what I had done.
For the next 22 years I raised my two young sons using some very unorthodox methods. I self-medicated with alcohol. I was angry and I yelled a lot. Depression was always rearing its ugly head, and I isolated myself from both family and personal relationships. Alcohol became my only friend.
Finally eight years ago, on the Friday after Thanksgiving, I asked God to help me stop drinking for one day and at the end of that day, I thanked Him for the strength to have made it through. Every day after that, I did the same thing and each day, His help was unfailing. It still is. But there was one complication of abstaining from alcohol, the self-medicating for my ongoing depression was no longer an option. Two years after I stopped drinking (the “terrible twos”), I again started obsessing about the abortion and sought psychiatric help. No one understood the depth of my feelings. My psychiatrist prescribed various medications, partial hospitalizations (four times) and in-hospital treatment when I became suicidal. Nothing helped. I thought the bottom line was that I was an aberration and a chronic depressive. I planned another suicide attempt. It seemed to be the only solution.
Getting ready for the end, I started going through my personal belongings. The last piece of paper in the first box of papers I went through was an old newspaper clipping from the Catholic New York. The heading read “Sisters of Life Aid in Post-Abortion Healing”. I couldn’t remember how I had received this clipping but there it was. There was a telephone number too and I called and asked the Sister who answered if they still had the post-abortion healing days described in the clipping. She said yes and that there was one planned for September, just two weeks away. Did I want to attend?
I was 60 years old when I “Entered Canaan”. I attended that day of hope and healing, a one-day retreat dealing with post-abortion syndrome. I knew I had arrived there by means of a miracle, and when I was experiencing the day, I kept pinching myself to see if I was awake. There were 13 women there, all of whom had abortions, and three Sisters of Life, loving us, affirming us, ministering to us, feeding us -- spiritually and physically.
Learning that I was not alone in my struggles was the immediate benefit. But so many other graces have become evident in my life since that first meeting. I am learning that God has forgiven me and, more importantly, to forgive myself for the abortion. The learning process is slow but, just like my dream, the melody is now familiar, giving me the comfort to learn and sing the words, “Jesus I trust in You.”
In Memory of Mary Salo
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